The Upside of Obesity

From
Venus de Milo to
Venus of Willendorf...
but happier? How can that be?
First let me say that I have always made an effort to not judge or have any type of prejudice against overweight people. This is because I came from a family that had some large people in it and I loved them very much. It made me angry when people would make fun of their size, it hurt. In the interest of full disclosure though, I ought to tell that I did participate in calling my one of my Catholic Elementary School Principals Sister Buffalo-Butt. That was not so much a commentary on her size as it was my overall disdain for her.

Well, it's one thing to love your fat family and friends and to sincerely reassure them that you love and appreciate them for all that they are. It's another thing when you are the fat one. Weight is difficult and complicated to change, I used to hear on the radio, it's not about what you're eating but what's eating you - meaning there are psychological and emotional issues going on in most cases. The people that really love and accept you are few and far between, I discovered. People are less inclined to talk to you, and you get treated differently. Crass people who do not fight fair, will be happy use 'fat' in a curse ridden slur against you if you confront them because their kid or their dog did something s/he/it should not have. Then there are the subtly mean people who never miss a chance to get in a nicely placed veiled insult.

Once upon a time we rented a beach condo for a family vacation, while longing by the pool two women had a conversation. I was one of them:

Size 22 me to my "friend": That's a very pretty bathing suit, you look nice.

Size 12/14 "friend": Oh THIS? I'm so fat I shouldn't even be wearing a bathing suit.

I was stunned by my callus friend. If you can imagine saying the above statement to a person who is roughly twice your size and also in a bathing suit, you are a jerk and you need to learn how to love yourself and others and get some real manners. It seems like to me the happier and more at peace I became with myself, the more I realized I didn't have to put up with mean people like my above friend. It had taken me years but I was beginning to see that friend in a true light, and these sorts of comments were rather typical. She was not very supportive of me - the real me. She herself was very unhappy about various things in her life. I always tried to encourage her - she was a budding, self-taught musician* often down on herself because she married young, never finished high school and seemed to feel stuck at times in an unhappy marriage. Today she has a very good local following, and I am glad to have been a positive voice in her life, I tried very hard to never belittle her in any way, but to affirm her. Finally, I had to limit my contact with her because the positivity was one sided.

You know the old saying that when you go through hard times you discover who your real friends are? Well, I think gaining the weight also revealed my real friends and my superficial friends. These changes taught me something.

When my friend Chris began writing his blog about his plan to get fit and lose weight, it made me want to explore some positives about being overweight. Yes, you read that correctly. Is there anything good about being overweight? Not very much, the negative health aspect is serious and substantial. But I try to look for the positives in everything and I believe with all of my rather small, fractured and sometimes stony heart, that God will allow you to glean some good even if you find yourself obese. Like Chris, I am also not nearly as thin as I was back when we were punk kids. I have been meeting very slow and steady goals toward permanent and healthy changes regarding my weight, lifestyle and exercise. One good thing I think I have learned by being overweight is to try and have more compassion on people. I am realizing that people are so much more than their appearance, or even one dimension or aspect of themselves, if that makes sense. Another realization is I have discovered I love myself now more than ever. That's a very odd thing for me to even write, it seems so self-absorbed to write it. When I have a healthy view of myself, I am of better service to others, and my faith is all about service. It seems I could accept anyone else but myself. I am not fixated on my every flaw. When I was younger, thinner and what many would consider prettier, I realize how much time and energy I wasted back then on internal worry and dissatisfaction. I might look fat and ugly to some people on the outside, but on the inside I am very happy with myself and my life. I just couldn't say that before. I am grateful for the health I do have, and for the miles I've put on this body. It seems as if when I finally decided to not worry and obsess over my weight, and just accept myself and make the best of how I was I became free of the trouble of it. Who knew that just a change in my own attitude toward myself, namely the resolve to not even think about my weight, would lead to my actually losing weight?

I had no problem loving and accepting my heavy loved ones, but I had a hard time taking it easy on myself when I was at my heaviest, but with time and God's grace I believe I have changed. I make a very concentrated effort now to keep the negative people in my life limited. Those kinds of people are never truly supportive or loving, they are like furniture with an nice polished veneer, but once the surface has been scratched with them, you find that things are not as nice underneath, and there isn't any way to repair the scratch unless you take drastic measures. I have found that most people don't want that kind of a relationship - where iron truly sharpens iron and people really work through their issues with one another honestly. I'm ready for genuine and solid things now, within myself and in significant friendships. My philosophy is: Be happy, truly happy with who and what you are. If you're not happy to the point of real distraction, then do something about it. But if you're not willing to do something about it, then find a way occupy and enjoy as-is, at least until you can find the motivation, or until you become at peace with it.

If anyone else out there can relate - have you learned any lessons about yourself and others if/when you went through a health problem or weight gain? Could you find an upside to your situation?

'de Milo' photo by avrenim_acceber
'Willendorf' photo by Lisby1

A Smile & A Warning

I Cake Wrecks. Do you know a monkey couple? Lucky.
~
'A Warning' sounds so stern did I get your attention? This is really just a reminder because I've had some new readers lately. I began this blog as part of my writing exercises (called the morning pages) from the book The Artist's Way. That is why my writing here is often very self-reflective and journal-ish. I recently read that there is nothing more "irritating than a woman who's getting her groove back." That's me - getting my groove back and being irritating to many, and hopefully endearing to a few, you know who you are *wink*. I knew when I read the title to the book "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" many years ago, that a light bulb went on in me. I knew that is what I finally had to do, though not by going on a trip to Jamaica and by canoodling with a fine young man. My groove is different. This blog journal is part of that.

What works for me - Support Local Arts

I was thinking about the 16 Charitable Ways To Celebrate Valentine's Day article I posted right before V-Day, and recalled another idea I got from somewhere(not original to me). This isn't about pure charity, as the linked article is. This idea is about art festivals, craft fairs and gift buying. I enjoy going to the great art festivals and fairs that we have in our local community - and I always admire and appreciate the various original and handmade arts, clothing, jewelry, etc. But I can never afford to spend a bunch of money on myself. Now, I walk around them with the idea of what holidays or occasions I have to buy gifts for in the near future. So instead of getting a plastic toy from the local stuff-mart, I look around at the arts and crafts and see if I can buy a birthday gift at the fair. This also works for wedding, baby shower or holiday gifts. There are all kinds of unique and original T-shirts, kites, wind-chimes, hula-hoops, jewelry, and of course paintings, photographs and sculptures - among so many other things - all beautifully crafted. Last year I was able to buy some adorable and original tie-died onsies and socks for a couple of baby showers. I feel like I am supporting local artists and not buying a bunch of toxic junk made in *a large communist country that often has problems with lead paint, moldy drywall and poison in its products. I reason that I have to buy gifts for these occasions anyway, and like many people who enjoy a little "retail therapy" it feeds the need to shop and buy but it also helps the artist, blesses the recipient with something very unique.




The gift shops at local museums and state parks can also be a good place for unique gifts and by shopping there you're more than likely supporting a non-profit organization.

I think I might occasionally do a "what works for me" post, if it proves to work out. These are just little tips and such on a variety of subjects.


Photo by Wade Rockett.

I nearly lost him last week...

...and it would have crushed me, literally, it makes me feel more weird than I can put into words (and not the good weird). Big Daddy is learning SCUBA, and there was a malfunction with the equipment. Mercifully, it was during a learning dive and his instructor was nearby. He's fine, physically, but mentally and emotionally it gave us a hard shake. Is this the year of realizing we are mortal or what? So much death and loss, and I shudder to think that Big Daddy was so near it himself. A facebook acquaintance, a vibrant young woman with a young child lost her young husband recently, and a friend of a friend from our old hardcore/punk days also died that same week. So, how do we react to these regular reminders of our very impermanent lives? I can only say what works for me: First, I pray for the comfort and strength for those whose lives are most affected by the loss. I reflect on Our Maker, look to Jesus, make sure my soul is in its right perspective and position, I like these steps to peace with God. Then, I make sure I am a little kinder, a little more gentle with my significant people. The bible says to not let the sun go down on our anger, meaning literally not to go to bed still angry with someone. I try to take that a step further when I'm able and to make things right a.s.a.p., even with just the regular kind of nagging and fussing that goes with kids and life and marriage. It doesn't hurt to take a little time to just be kind and part on a positive note, even if we're just leaving for school or work or the corner gas.

Finding comfort and sense when it's scarce...
Well, sometimes it can't be found. So I just try to do all the little things I ought to do and I don't let myself wallow for too long. Today the windows are open and I am listening to relaxing classical tunes on grooveshark. And it helps a little.


And for my Polish readers, I learned this proverb:
Dobry człowiek nawet w tawernie nie będzie zepsuty, zły nawet w kościele nie naprawią drogę (ale zawsze jest nadzieja dla grzeszników: Jezusa).

Why Netflix is good for me

I had the movie Time Bandits for at least a month. No late fees. Why did I wait so long to join?
picture by chrisinplymouth

Funny Friday

Please be aware this contains some (mild?) profanity and some very, very, very odd behavior. SKIP the PROFANITY, and pause the counter/timer at 39 seconds and skip ahead to 52 seconds, but please ENJOY the ODD behaviour. Timothy!!! Stella! - Her vision of decadence must have been inspired by the Heavy Metal Parking Lot, which I tried to spare you with the skipping ahead. I wrote this in a reply on Jorge Garcia's blog recently when he shared a story about something odd that he overheard, and I'll say it here because it applies:
God bless the eccentrics because they make life interesting.


The best of Jeff "Heavy Metal Parking Lot" Krulik's personal stash

Ode to an Addict

I think of you every time I watch Anthony Bourdain, Iron Chef and Good Eats on TV. I probably wouldn't have taken more than a passing interest in those shows if it weren't for you, but your influence got me hooked on them. I used to look at some of the comments you'd make, the songs you would link on your FaceSpace page. Many of them the tunes we grew up listening to on the am/fm radio of some huge Oldsmobile or Cadillac. I think of the song lyrics we changed and made into dirty and funny jokes between us. My mind wanders and I think, we could be a normal family, we could be sitting together eating macaroni and cheese or tortellini in cream sauce and watching those shows or listening to those tunes as we joke and laugh. We could be really real. It makes me miss you. Few families are perfect and 'normal' is subjective - but any semblance of genuine family interaction cannot happen because you don't live a real life, you live a double life. You might talk about those warm memories from good days-gone-by on the one hand, but the other side of you lies and scams people, abuses yourself and others. You use porn and talk to young Indonesian girls over the internet rather than the actual people in your life who (would) really care (if you let them). You tell your elaborate lies for as long as you can and when you're found out, you move on. I used to be left with the fall-out from that, the calls from concerned and angry people. Do you know how much you hurt? Notice I didn't say "hurt others?" You hurt. You are hurting. It's never to late to get help and change. You're worth it. I miss you.
~


I was upset, hurting and missing my loved one when I wrote this. I still hold out hope because I have faith and pray and believe in a living, miracle-working God.


Photo by Boskizzi

1-2-3...STRIKE OUT!

MMI had this really good (but sad) article called Busted: Are You a Three Strike Pastor? from November of last year. I fully realize that pastors and other clergy members have somewhat of a higher accountability to maintain, but what about the rest of us? What about regular Christians? Should we have the same types of aims and goals of keeping ourselves above trouble by having extra accountability and a level of transparency when it comes to our personal lives?

To my non-Christian readers: Obviously everyone has some kind of moral code, what does accountability look like for you?

What do ALL of us do to keep ourselves from being tempted to do things that will hurt others and hurt ourselves?

What should we do when we find ourselves striking out, messing up and feeling guilty?
The MMI article has a good outline and I'm on the same wavelength as them. My unabashedly Christian perspective is as follows.
The book of Ecclesiastes (one of my favorite Bible books) ends with one of my favorite Bible quotes: Fear God and keep His command, for this is the whole duty of man. I am afraid of going to hell ya'll, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. But more than that, I know how much God loves me, and loves all of humanity, and because I have accepted the position of child in my relationship with Him, and because I am so grateful for what a loving Father He has become to me, I'd like to make Him happy. So I'm going to follow Him and do what He says to do. I'll do my best to be a good kid for Him and when I fall short, He picks up the slack for me. He tells me to confess my faults to Him and to my fellow Christians. Now to get back on the point of my above questions, that's one way I keep myself accountable. I confess my sin, my struggles, my temptations. I find that the more inclined I am to want to hide my sin, the more I ought to confess it - both to God in private and to a trusted fellow Christian(s). So, at times it's been difficult to make myself admit to something very ugly or EMBARRASSING. Yet, when I do that, it truly has helped me, by God's grace (not my own), to overcome that sin and struggle. And no wonder - since it is the way God sets forth in His Beautiful Instruction Book.


Above photo by j / f / photos.

The "L" Word

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous
or boastful or proud
or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable,
and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up,
never loses faith,
is always hopeful,
and endures through every circumstance.
-Found somewhere in that Old Book, The Bible









above heART By Monica Palermo

For the Love of Love - Oh Valentine!

heART By Monica Palermo
I enjoy a little candy (chocolate and Sweethearts, please) and flowers on that day, but I think that all holidays could use a little less commercialism and consumer gluttony and a little more genuine love and soul-nourishing spirituality. I really liked the ideas put forth in this article, and only regret not being able to share them sooner - so to give us a little more time to implement:

16 Charitable Ways To Celebrate Valentine's Day.
Sweet!

Hello Poland!

I never knew ya'll liked me so much!
Nigdy nie wiedziałem, ya'll lubi mnie tak bardzo!

Witamy na blogu artysty, matki, żony i osoby artystycznej, która nie jest szczególnie interesujące lub wpływowych na niewielkiej wyspie w południowej Vaca USA - Jestem EB. Jezus Cię kocha! Kochasz go? Czy kochasz Spam? Czy miłość hula-obręcze? Kochasz muzykę z różnych odmian? Czy stać się pasją takie rzeczy, jak sztuka, muzyka - i kilka filmów dziwnych i programów telewizyjnych? Czy lubisz brokuły? To musi być, dlaczego znalazł. Pull up krześle, napić się kawy i przeczytać chwilę. Lubię pierogi bardzo.


Photo by mroach.

Try Google Translate for fun!

The Dead Have My Interest

I have found a new show to watch now that LOST is off the air. It's called The Walking Dead and it's disgusting and violent and about a zombie plague that has taken over the world. Uninfected people are few and far between, and always under great threat of attack. They must survive by fighting off the undead hoards by gratuitously smashing in, or chopping off the heads of the zombies. Thankfully they are the rather slow lumbering and shuffling sort of zombies, rather than the super fast zombies of more recent zombielore. Slow or not, hordes of them often overpower the living and devour and infect them. Yet, there is more humanity in this show that much of the other fare on TV these days, but you have to get through some guts and gore, to get to it. It's quite gratuitous at times, I have to close my eyes through the really gross stuff.

My favorite episode of the past season is called "Vatos." *Spoiler Alert* If you think you can tolerate this gutsy (and I mean that in the visceral sense) program, and might try watching it read this paragraph no further, just skip to the last one. In the Vatos episode the small group of humans we care about goes to the city to forage and rescue someone from their little band of survivors. They get accosted and have their weapons stolen by what seems to be some hardcore gang-bangers. They follow and confront, just when you think there is going to be a typical showdown, it becomes clear that the gang-bangers are not the hardcore nasty boys they appear to be. They are actually protecting the elderly and feeble residents of a nursing home, who were abandoned once the zombie plague took hold of their city. They are also the good guys. They use the gang-banger ploy as a ruse to protect their group from the increasingly violent surviving marauders that they have run into. The gang leader is revealed to be the former janitor of the home, who stepped up to the plate when the doctors and others abandoned the nursing home residents to protect their own skin. I didn't see that coming and I was so pleasantly surprised how the themes of survival, brotherly love, good, and evil were explored with this fresh kind of twist. The series is full of those kinds of moments and insights.

I have a love/hate relationship with horror. Sometimes it's fun to be scared. My Mom would let us watch (or read) almost anything when we were kids, and I would be afraid for weeks/months after seeing a particularly scary horror movie or reading a book sometimes. I married a dude who likes horror movies. However, after I became a Christian, I felt a great release from those types of fears, though surely some realistic horror movies (Silence of the Lambs?) or even war films can be disturbing. I felt very strong convictions about what I watched or read for many, many years after giving my life to Christ. Horror movies have so much objectionable material in them - obviously violence and gore, but also foul language and nudity most of the time. There is a good argument to be made for Christians to avoid them, particularly those who have an acute sensitivity or are prone to stumble. I believe that some horror movies can explore interesting themes, and even themes that a Christian could find relevant, just off the top of my head I'm thinking about the materialism/consumerism subject in the Dawn of the Dead movie from the late 70s, as well as the themes of motherhood and heroism from Aliens. However, you have to be sensitive to what the Holy Spirit is speaking in your life, and if those good themes are enough to redeem all the blood, guts and mayhem.

just some favorite songs - secular

Blind Melon - No Rain
Uploaded by EMI_Music. - See the latest featured music videos.

Sometimes I daydream that when I get to heaven it will be like when the BumbleBee Girl opens the gates to the beautiful meadow in the Blind Melon video. It's not sane...I know.

Regular People Getting Healthier, and a little Friday funny thrown in for good measure...

Two of my online friends are chronicling their journey towards better health and well-being. I wanted to link them today because I think their stories could be very helpful to many people and I find them encouraging and interesting. So many folks, myself among them, have resolved to make good changes in this new year, and these entries go right along with that. So please take a few minutes to check them out:

Hormonal Imbalance from The Daily Weaving Blog, in which Amy chronicles her struggles and triumphs with an important and often overlooked part of people's health. I say 'people's' health because fluctuating hormones effect both men and women, particularly in middle age. For women it seems to be more pronounced because of the effects of menopausal factors. Since most men have female partners, and consequently have to deal with the effects in that respect, it's beneficial for them to have a rudimentary understanding of those factors. In all fairness though, men also need to have their hormonal levels evaluated.

Sumo Size Back to Judo Size in which Chris chronicles his weight loss and fitness plan. Chris is an old friend of Big Daddy and I, and I remember well when he had a life altering event, which he explains on his blog. That event greatly contributed to his weight gain, along with all the other things many of us in middle age face: balancing marriage, having and raising children, career choices and stress, changes in metabolism, etc.

And now for something completely different:


see more Engrish

How Wendy Reads

I have been wanting to write down this brief journal entry for almost a year now. It' a short one, about a single little memory and impression regarding my friend Wendy*. We went to a "girl's jamboree" event with our daughters and their friend. We spent a couple of nights in a dorm room, her bed was next to mine. I was restless, fighting a cold and not sleeping well. I remember dozing off to sleep in the near dark of the room, watching Wendy, because I am a side sleeper. She was quietly laying on her back in the bed across from me. She had a large book, roughly the size of a three ring binder resting across the length of her stomach. The book was face up and open. Her fingers glided in gentle, flowing horizontal lines across the pages, her head resting on her pillow and her face toward the ceiling. As I recall her hands and arms moved with the fluid grace of a dance movement. She was reading in the dark as we all slept. I have never seen anything like that before and it was lovely to behold. I believe she was reading the book of Jeremiah, or another prophet.

Photo by Abigail Parker, used with permission.

Lolita's Daughter

There was a time within my generation (X) and the generation previous (BabyBoomers) where the sexuality and promiscuity of young girls was touted and celebrated. Now the cultural climate is less inclined to do so, even within the art and intelligence minded community. Lolita was published in the 50s and shocked the culture, but we were swayed by the elegant prose, and the insight into that doomed world. Such brilliant words, so elegantly written made the story of something selfish, horrible and pathetic seem almost noble in it's broken and twisted sort of way. If a life such as Lolita's were visited upon someone we knew and loved, and I mean really loved (think platonic or family love, NOT an objectifying sexual obsession), we would be devastated. In today's culture young girls (and boys) are still sexualized, but it's not as openly accepted as high art as it seemed to be back a decade or two ago. These days 'art' like that is most often frowned upon and criticized. Of course, there is internet porn and pedophilia, more prevalent than ever for sure, but not socially acceptable and artfully or openly celebrated as it was in the late 60s-70s-early 80s. If anything, it's considered exploitation and a plague on society, and rightly so.

You might not recall Brook Sheilds' & Nastassja Kinski's early careers, but I do. Girls like them made life for men like Roman Polanski possible. I was among their era and found myself awash in similar but less overt circumstances in those times. We were the willing nymphs in our own de-flowering, but we were too young and too naive to realize it. We were the immediate beneficiaries of the sexual revolution, and we reciprocated in kind. It was a heady time. There was great freedom but very little responsibility and when you don't have both, someone gets hurt.

And really, the down side to the Sexual Revolution, which is now only fully realized in retrospect, is the sexual part of it. The civil aspects of it, equal pay for equal work and equal rights - were the crux of it, and the noble and best part of That Revolution. Sadly that is where our society still lags behind. But we have all sorts of sexual freedom and we have the diseases, the guilt the broken relationships and every ill-gotten aspect of it. We are free to indulge in every dimension of sexual freedom, and I don't think we as individuals, or society is any better or happier for it, in a general sense.

When I was the child, it seemed a good thing to forge ahead into every experience I could imagine and had read about. When I was an adult with children of my own at the very same age as I was when I tried such things, I had a crystal-clear picture of how unready and ill-prepared I really was. It is the height of selfishness for an adult to coerce a child into adult practices of any kind. We realize now that our thinking and decision making brain-parts are not fully formed until our mid-20s. Yet common sense in such matters took a huge slide around that time (70's/80's), and many adults, gladly encouraged the promiscuity of very young people for the sake of freedom. It was not unheard of for some adult within ones sphere of acquaintance to provide the very under-aged with drugs, alcohol and art, either real or questionable, in the form of literature or movies. In times past, it would not have been so widely accepted, and now since that era, it has fallen out of favor. I don't necessarily think all of these 'Svengalis' were purely evil and out to harm, I do think some were naive themselves, still navigating the new cultural and artistic freedoms without the benefit of hindsight. Some were simply misguided, and still some were just sick and perverted.

It has taken me a long time to fully recognize and understand this. When I was a girl, it seemed very hip and very romantic to have the attention of older men. When I was a girl I thought the parents of my friends who permitted them to get drunk and high were wonderful. Still I retained a slight uncomfortable notion, about it. Those situations could be scary and out of control and they could very likely lead to complicated consequences. For me, it has been years of processing all of those things, and dealing with the issues they caused in my life.

Exploitation of all kinds is worse now, with human trafficking and slavery global and more widespread than ever. Yet there are subtle differences. I don't think a movie like Pretty Baby could be made today, or at least have the same kind of universal praise for it's controversial subject, which titillated more than it shone a light on the ugly underbelly of prostitution. There is a great collective frown nowadays from a wide swathe of the population when the underage pretty young stars of our day get too adult and sexy. It seems to hurt their careers rather than help them (Remember Miley and the pole dance, anyone?). Roman Polanski's career has been greatly overshadowed by his controversial illegal activity regarding this subject, and that has probably limited him a great deal, no matter how brilliant a director he is. Brooke Shields disclosed she's on anti-depressants, particularly needing them during postpartum. She has spoken frankly about her body image issues, and one wonders that she might not have had such pronounced issues if she had not been placed on a pedestal of sexual desirability before she was even in high school. Just speculating. It's just not as socially acceptable for kids to have the same kind of early career as she and Nastassja Kinski had. I often wonder how Nabokov's Lolita, if she lived, would have fared in the years after her life with Humbert, and what her opinion and evaluation of her life would be, at different times say in her 20's, 30's 40's and beyond. But of course, Lolita is fiction, and the best kind of fiction in the salacious and seductive world of under-aged sex-goddesses - she died young and stayed pretty and never became a fully grown and fully realized woman.



Above picture by Pink On Head.