I nearly lost him last week...

...and it would have crushed me, literally, it makes me feel more weird than I can put into words (and not the good weird). Big Daddy is learning SCUBA, and there was a malfunction with the equipment. Mercifully, it was during a learning dive and his instructor was nearby. He's fine, physically, but mentally and emotionally it gave us a hard shake. Is this the year of realizing we are mortal or what? So much death and loss, and I shudder to think that Big Daddy was so near it himself. A facebook acquaintance, a vibrant young woman with a young child lost her young husband recently, and a friend of a friend from our old hardcore/punk days also died that same week. So, how do we react to these regular reminders of our very impermanent lives? I can only say what works for me: First, I pray for the comfort and strength for those whose lives are most affected by the loss. I reflect on Our Maker, look to Jesus, make sure my soul is in its right perspective and position, I like these steps to peace with God. Then, I make sure I am a little kinder, a little more gentle with my significant people. The bible says to not let the sun go down on our anger, meaning literally not to go to bed still angry with someone. I try to take that a step further when I'm able and to make things right a.s.a.p., even with just the regular kind of nagging and fussing that goes with kids and life and marriage. It doesn't hurt to take a little time to just be kind and part on a positive note, even if we're just leaving for school or work or the corner gas.

Finding comfort and sense when it's scarce...
Well, sometimes it can't be found. So I just try to do all the little things I ought to do and I don't let myself wallow for too long. Today the windows are open and I am listening to relaxing classical tunes on grooveshark. And it helps a little.


And for my Polish readers, I learned this proverb:
Dobry człowiek nawet w tawernie nie będzie zepsuty, zły nawet w kościele nie naprawią drogę (ale zawsze jest nadzieja dla grzeszników: Jezusa).

More Tragedy Than Usual

I love my new home of these past two and a half years, however there seems to be more tragedy than usual around. The preschool/day care where I recently worked, and still occasionally substitute, is a prime example of that. Since I have been in the school's employ and aware of circumstances there, three separate parents of three different school students committed suicide. Another student was violently assaulted and raped by other children in their neighborhood. The most recent tragedy happened a few days ago when a 3 year old accidentally drowned. This is all in one school, not happening at the school itself, mind you, but in the home lives and families of school students. This is not including other situations that don't directly relate to that school. There have been other sad tragedies in the community and within our church family. I know I recently resolved to keep this online journal equal parts cheerful and melancholy, but perhaps this will give you insight into why melancholy is my near companion. On the front lines of ministry as my family and I are, I suppose we are more vulnerable to these most difficult times within families and communities. But really now, I could use a few more marriages and baby dedications to balance out the funerals and sorrowful events.

So, I'm mourning with those that mourn, ya'll (see here). I'm hugging my own family a little tighter and I'm realizing that you never know when your time might be up, and it wouldn't hurt to mend a few fences and (re)build a few bridges and most importantly "not let the sun go down on your(my!) anger" particularly with those who share one's address, and even over seemingly small and insignificant quarrels. It also doesn't hurt to make your peace with God, a.s.a.p., see here for details.

Say a prayer for us here in this community, please.

My hope:

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me,“Write, for these words are true and faithful.”
-Revelation 21:4-5

Photo by The Doctr.

Good Words and an Ode to a Punk

Have you ever had a few words or a conversation with someone that stuck with you, like forever? Those words that pass between us, particularly when we're young, are the words that shape us in various ways. They can be positive or negative words.

Since I began embarking on this artist's journey to recover my creativity a couple of years ago, I have thought much about that. In part because of an exercise in The Artist's Way. Today I am writing about positive conversations that blessed me and stayed with me. I am going to dwell on those good words in honor of a long lost acquaintance whom I only recently discovered had passed away.

V.Z. and I ran around with the same extended group of crazy punk friends sometime during our teens. I can't remember exactly how and where we met. I knew his little sister and hung out with her a bit. We had some other mutual friends. I remember him as a crazy (in a good way) fun-loving guy. Zany antics are what I recall about V.Z.

One night many of us were hanging out and having fun out by a bonfire in a semi-secluded, semi-wooded area. People were coming and going, laughing and running around. If my hazy middle-aged memory serves, it might have been a wooded area that was being cleared for yet another subdivision in Florida. Anyway, that's not important.

I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, just that there was a lot of crazy frolicking and carousing going on, and we were probably having a joking or lighthearted conversation. What's important is that for a few brief minutes V.Z. and I were alone by the fire, and he looked at me and said, "You're not a dumb-dumb girl, are you? You're smart." How do you answer something like that. I was a little stunned.

I had been labeled a 'dumb blonde' in my early teens, and though my hair was darkening over the years, the term stuck. I really struggled with a certain subject in school, and there were circumstances in my home life and past that also contributed to my less than stellar self-esteem. At that time I waffled between teenage rebellion and just doing and acting in ways that I thought people expected me to act because I thought it was easier than being myself. I was so shy and insecure, and I tried to hide that various ways but I was growing, really starting to think for myself and be true to myself. Still, that was somewhat hazy, because I was quite young. Somehow that very small conversation with V.Z. encouraged me. It was like a little light went on amid the b.s. and subterfuge of teen angst and insecurity. Those new muscles I was flexing didn't go noticed by V.Z., he noticed a sliver of the real me and reacted positively and I knew he wasn't trying to scam* me either.

Looking back now, I think that conversation was like a compass, and in a small way, helped me move into a better direction. V.Z. was a good kid when I knew him, may God rest his soul. Thanks for the kind words V, I hope you are resting in peace and rejoicing with God in heaven.

"May the force be with him always."

My Mom's Unusual Day

My Mom is 75 years old and enjoying a healthy and active retirement. Her faith has become stronger and stronger over the past decade, and I find her to often be a quiet and shining example of God's love.

Several years ago, she sought out the widows group at her church, and I'm fairly sure it was through there that she became active in her local senior center. She and some of the women from her widows group take fitness classes at the center, and became involved with other community things through both groups.

One of the people they became acquainted with at the senior center is another elderly widow, who is about 10 years older than my Mom, named Melanie*. Mom takes her grocery shopping and sometimes cooks for her. I believe Melanie has some family nearby, but they travel for business quite often. Melanie has been wanting to treat my Mom to lunch, as a thank you for all the little things she's done, but my Mom kept postponing it due to being busy with other things.

This Saturday my Mom agreed to lunch before their grocery shopping trip. They had a nice lunch then went to the grocery store. My Mom ran some errands around the shopping center while Melanie shopped, then met up with her as she was checking out. Melanie seemed slightly tired while they were walking back to her car, so my Mom told her to go and sit down while she put the groceries in the trunk.

In that very short space of time while my Mom put the groceries in the trunk, Melanie passed away while quietly and peacefully seated in my Mom's car. My Mom was shocked, to say the least. When she called me later in the day to tell me all of this, she had settled into a calm sort of acceptance. We discussed how it was really quite a blessing in many ways. I encouraged her that it was actually an honor that the Lord would trust her to be with one of His children during their final hours. Of all the people it could have been, it was her. They had a calm and uneventful day, but that is a blessing in its own way. There are so many ways one could count and consider this to be a blessing, so I'm thinking about those types of things and reminding myself that anyone of us could leave this world at any time.

What kind of memories and impressions would we like to leave when we go? Are we ready to stand before the Lord? Even though we have no control over it, what kind of final day would we like to have? Who would we most like to be with?