What if I told you...?

What if I told you that someone very dear to me had congestive heart failure, and experienced symptoms of pain and breathlessness. Would you feel compassion for them? What if I told you my loved one had cancer. Would you find a way to show some moral support? What if I told you my family member was mentally ill and his/her symptoms are that of erratic and disturbing behaviour that is often emotionally hurtful to him/herself and others? What then would your reaction be?

In my family, there are those that completely cut themselves out of this person's life. I get that. Damage was done. And I actually don’t have a problem with that. My mentally-sick loved one has hurt every single person that has ever been close to him/her, or helped him/her. And the list of lies and betrayals is various and long. I guarantee that they have almost certainly hurt me and my family in greater ways many more times. Forgive me for getting testy with that last sentence, this isn't a contest of who has been hurt the most. I understand that everyone has to make the best choices they can for themselves. It’s a valid and often necessary choice to disengage from people that hurt and betray.

What has been most unfortunate and painful to me, is that this segment of the family seemed to go a step farther. They cut me and my family from their lives also. Presumably because we had chosen to maintain some relationship with the ill person, albeit a distant and limited one. We never insisted they maintain a relationship with our ill loved one after she/he offended them. We only kept the lines of communication open for ourselves. Without me getting too personal or specific, I will say that some relationships can be stronger than a Denali-sized heap of betrayal. Strong bonds such as a parent-to-child, can’t (or won’t) allow for ever giving up completely. And the offenses I speak of aren’t capital offenses, they are incidents of embarrassment, lies, unpredictable actions, things of that nature. I can't fully understand why they cut us off, I speculate that the inconvenience, messiness and stigma of mental illness is not compatible with their image of family life. It hurts to realize that the very people who distanced themselves from us, were among the same family members that we were supportive of while they went through their own struggles of a different sort.

Photo by smiteme. Permission granted under Flickr Creative Commons Agreement.

Illness is illness. I can't help but wonder that if said loved one had another kind of illness, she/he and we might not have been so summarily written-off, because other medical conditions garner more understanding and empathy. Mental illness is tricky. Just as we protect ourselves when a friend or loved on has a contagious illness, we often need to have some kind of protection with loved ones who have mental illnesses. Just as we adjust our expectations of what a physically ill person is capable of, we must have realistic expectations of what a mentally ill person is capable of. Education is a key factor, as is awareness. Then the necessary precautions must be taken. However, I chose not to abandon completely my mentally ill family member. I chose not to be embarrassed by, or unnecessarily cut off from them, after many painful and awkward starts and stops throughout the years. This didn't happen overnight, this was a process that happened over time, with many trials and errors, and educating myself as much as I could as I went along. Yes, my loved one is at times erratic, insensitive, and offensive. I wonder how much is within and how much is beyond their control due to their illness? I’m not sure. It is not easy, but it is possible to still maintain a loving and supportive relationship. Sometimes a glimmer of their old self shines through and it’s enjoyable. Sometimes it’s just letting them know that someone will be here for them. Sure, we have to be more guarded, and have to protect ourselves in certain ways, but at least our loved one has some knowledge that there are a few of us that still care.

I’m sharing this story in hopes that someone reading it may have a more compassionate approach to those with mental illness or those with loved ones who have mental health issues.

In the teachings of that divine and enlightened One, Jesus of Nazareth, He said, it’s easy to love those that love you. It’s easy to be good to those who are good to you. He exhorted us to be loving and caring toward those who are difficult and challenging(see here). So, I’m trying. I have to say, the shunning from my “healthy” loved ones hurts rather more than any of the things my unwell loved-one does or did.

from a journal entry 2009/10

Love Hurts God heals, part 3

I revisited this old post today because I needed to. I have about three situations of varying degrees of stress cooking on my stove. When you note that my cook top has only 4 burners, that makes for a full, hot and messy kitchen. I am trying to stir each situation with love and faith and keep the contents from scorching the bottom or boiling over. I'm trying to add the right ingredients, at the right time and in the right order, and not sour the situations with the wrong ingredients. I think another pot is being added... Oh my!

Journal entry: When people show you who they are, believe them

This is a journal entry from some months ago. It's very personal stuff, might not be everyone's cup of tea. Winter/Spring 2010

photo by Paul Worthington

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
- Maya Angelou
quote from Batman Begins:
"...it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you."

About twelve years ago someone recommended the book "Boundaries" by Doctors Cloud and Townsend. In it's own way, you could consider it the Christian version of "Co-Dependent No More" which is the self-help bible for those in close relationships with addicts or abusive people of one kind or another. Besides the Bible, I think it is the book that most changed my life for the better. I had trouble with a variety of my relationships, let me just say that alcoholism was a factor in some of the relationships, though there were other factors as well. I was a doormat. I was loathe to say no to people when they asked me to do things for them, even things they shouldn't have asked, or things that most people wouldn't dare to ask. I would put up with rude comments without complaint or acknowledgment. Instead of expressing my thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, I would internalize it and have a lot of seething anger and resentment. I believe God sent those books into my life as a supplement for the way He was changing me, helping me and growing me as His child and follower. So with much prayer I went forward and those books helped me to implement healthy tools and ways of coping with not only difficult people, but every person in my life.

The amazing thing was, when I began setting the healthy boundaries my relationships with a few people improved! However, the improvement wasn't until after an initial difficult period of time. The transition was uncomfortable. Some people didn't want to respect my healthy boundaries at first. Eventually they did, though, and then our relationship grew and flourished. A new, improved relationship was built out of the ashes of the old one. There was more respect and honesty. It was/is great.

I thought that because I experienced this good growth and change in a few relationships, that all my relationships would be that way! Boy, was I wrong! And I say that with wide eyes and a smile on my face, even though it's sad to lose friends. I don't think I consciously believed that, or even thought much about my new boundary changes bringing healing and good in my all relationships in those specific terms. I think it was more of me just not realizing that simply because I was ready for health and change for the better, everyone else would be as well. Do all of us have a tendency to automatically view people from the filter of our experience, rather than realizing that every single individual has a different perception and perspective on life? I am guilty of that. I think sometimes because I try to be a loyal friend and have an open heart everyone else is basically that way, but they are not, no more than everyone loves dark chocolate and Monty Python like I do. Surely some people want a friend who is a doormat. They aren't interested if the rug they wipe their feet on is ready to be wall tapestry. Some are not out-and-out users, to be sure, but they simply don't want the slightest change at all.

I found this particularly hard to accept in my friends that were confessed Christians. I know we are not to judge, lest we ourselves be judged. I do know that we are permitted to "inspect fruit," as another pastor's wife so succinctly put it. All I can observe is how these individuals treat me, my family and others. I cannot look into their heart and mind to see whether or not their soul's anchor is in Christ, and I know with certainty that I am not better than them or anyone else. All I can do or say is that that their treatment and actions toward me and my family was not kind or biblical. That threw me for a loop, when we subscribe to the same faith, and all the ethics and values that entails.

This got me thinking about something else recently, the basics of Christianity. Call it Jesus 101. The two great commandments Christ gave, the second one being the golden rule. If people don't love themselves, how can they love others? I'm not talking about narcissistic dysfunction and over-inflated self love. I'm talking about basically liking themselves and being comfortable with themself. Have you ever been so unhappy with yourself that you obsessed and criticized many things about yourself or others? Maybe you haven't been that way but maybe you know someone else like that. The phrase low self esteem, is tossed around so much, but I am pausing and thinking about what those words really mean. Low self esteem rears its ugly head in a variety of ways. Some internalize and some externalize. If you don't treat yourself well how can you treat others well? I am realizing that some people are just not happy with themselves, on the most basic level. Their unhappiness seeps on to those around them, sometimes it's mild and sometimes it's brash, sometimes it's subtle and sometimes overty. Just my own thoughts as I work through life.

Observation on Apologies

I have noticed that some people will do various things things to assuage their conscience toward people they hurt in some way. They will do all kinds of things, from small to elaborate, from simple to costly, but they will not act right and not simply say they were sorry. Just a simple saying that costs nothing but pride. Strange, isn't it?

That Old Thing

The Thing*, the sad thing, the semi-tragic thing, which cast a dark cloud over my family appeared on the horizon again recently. It's a dark cloud. So many years have passed now that I often see it as a simple shady puff of remembrance, that blows in now and then, and then blows off again. However, and variously through other loved-ones, it threatened to cast a grim shadow, and anchor itself down. I will not tolerate that, and I will fan it away.

I am thinking of this because I reconnected with an old family friend who also went through that same situation. This thing* affected both our families. The course of our lives and my family's trajectory was profoundly changed and altered in so many ways. I remind myself that not all of the changes are bad. Things were lost and things were gained. We all tried to make the best of it.

We were confused, hurt, utterly naive and ill-prepared for what happened to us. Our families' connection grew apart because of the circumstances, and decisions we made while in the midst of it. I suppose there have been suspicions over the years, I know my emotions and thoughts have followed various rabbit trails regarding the situation. I suppose it is common to consider that irrational notion that if our (relative's) paths never crossed none of this would had ever happened. That whole, 'I rue the day we met' kind of notion. Then there is the basic, human, self-preserving feeling that if those persons, places or things that remind us of the pain can be avoided so we'll be reminded less, avoid we shall. It's nothing personal it's just what our hearts need to do to survive at the time.

Anyway, all of that must fall away. Time has been served and the past should stay there in its rightful place. I don't want to nurse even the slightest negativity or lack of compassion toward those who were very similarly affected by The Thing*. Time does bring a resolve and an acceptance. I know the pain of the circumstances and what was lost: the dignity, the relationships, and many other things. So much hurt fell upon both our families. I have said it before and I will say it again, as a mantra to myself and a testimony to the only sure truth I have ever found, life hurts but God heals.

-------

So, I wrote that today. As I was looking for a Flickr Commons photo to illustrate (clouds) the entry, I thought to listen to Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now, as I browsed, because of the clouds. I did not realize the outcome, and I find myself crying, ugly and bitterly because I am missing my father very much. I like Judy Collin's version of the song better.
Then, I thought of the Faulkner quote, "The past is never dead. It's not even past."
This thing is mostly past, I think.


Photo by eye of einstein.

Un-Friending, It Hurts Sometimes

photo by Giueseppe Bognanni

This week, a FaceSpace* friend, Lola* posted about being un-friend-ed by someone, for no apparent reason, and how that hurt her. Lola wrote that she "frowns when she realized she was un-friend-ed for no reason." Puzzling as it is, there has to be a reason.

(Of course, this illicited a dozen or so responses from people that showed her support and affection.)

Perhaps the reason is not personal at all, but rather that the "un-friend-er" is quitting the site altogether or trimming down their list for various reasons. For example, I've heard of some who only want to be "friends" with people who are actually and currently friends, rather than a classmate or former co-worker that they rarely see. Others seem to enjoy being on the periphery of the lives of a slew of distant friends and acquaintances. This also speaks volumes again about the ways our communication is changing due to these newer ways of relating, and by that I mean the whole social networking phenomenon.

Lola's post reminded me that I have a grown, married niece that "un-friend-ed" me. I think she did it because I made a teasing comment about something she posted about Britney Spears, she's a fan. I didn't say anything rude or mean, but after I posted that comment I was un-friend-ed. Naturally I drew a conclusion. Who knows? It could have been a whim or an accidental click. If you know me or have read this blog for any amount of time, you know that Ms. Spears is the antithesis of who/what I like and appreciate about music, culture and art. (Yet I really like a Christmas song of hers I have on a Christmas CD of various artists.) So I rather good-naturedly teased my niece. At least I think it was mild rather than mean. I think I made some kind of self-deprecating joke about being and old-fogey because I don't get whole Britney Spears fan-dom thing.

I sort of tucked this away until now, and haven't really thought about it. When Lola posted about her situation, I began to ruminate about it again. It got me to consider some things. I suppose I don't have much in common with a Britney Spears fan, and therein lies the rub, haha, now that's just a joke. It would have been a better joke if we were talking about Christina Aguilera, though. Seriously, family and friends should be able to have a little teasing and joking between them. As well as the ability to be honest with each other about things that bother us, including being teased, without it causing an undue amount of strain or separation. Instead of actually communicating, neither my niece nor I pursued it further. This was a girl I loved and doted on when she was a child. I tried to support and love as she grew into adulthood and was there through all the milestones: graduation, engagement, wedding shower, wedding. So while it puzzled me, for short time after it happened, I never looked into it. I really could have sent her an email and inquired. She could have deleted my comment and let her old auntie know that she was annoyed by my comment, if that was the case. None of that happened. Now we're just not in touch.

Texting and social networking sites have changed the way we communicated, some for better and some for worse. But really, what am I going to do about it? In hindsight, perhaps I ought to have said something directly and tried to settle it immediately.

So, have these new ways of communicating affected you?
For better worse or both? How and why?
In which situations is un-friend-ing acceptable?
Why do you think people are more apt to click an "un-friend" button rather than really speak their mind to the person about whatever is bothering them enough to consider it?

*changed names, of course

Nature Boy, part 2 (Journal Entry)

I am working through feelings and issues that impact me and my family. Addiction, co-dependency and dysfunction used to put an undue burden on my life and my heart. Over time, and most importantly through faith in a real and living God, healthier ways of living and coping are being sought and implemented in my life. Journaling is one tool on the road to healing. It helps me process and understand things in a more productive way.



I was thinking more about this song and my wayward loved one. The song itself, has a sort of positive message: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return." Yet, the overall impact of the song is somber (in my opinion). It feels sad. Beautiful, but sad, particularly in the Jazz versions of the tune.

My loved one seems to want love very badly but as best as I can tell, they look for that love in the wrong places and in the wrong way. This is my own limited knowledge and observation. I know that my loved one lies so much about so many things and inevitably the truth comes out sooner or later. Then the people who have been lied too act and react, and my loved one is further isolated. You cannot build relationships on lies. I know substance abuse is a factor. I suspect mental illness, because the lack of care toward others and the lies go beyond more typical addiction behaviour, if you will. Let me clarify, they are not lies to cover up and otherwise aid my loved one in getting high. Not ranting and babbling while under the influence. They are often grandiose lies that make my loved one look favorable, but often at the expense and hurt of others: slander.

Addiction, mental illness, what came first? Again, I'm not sure. If my loved one was not actively using alcohol and/or drugs, would the lies stop? In the past, and again it's difficult to tell, they have decreased somewhat but not stopped completely. Which has led to my suspicions of mental illness. Is my loved one capable of being truthful and having what I would call a "normal" relationship with people? And by that I mean any type of normal long-term relationship, be it friendships, romantic, etc., where there is give and take. A very strange and enchanted one, indeed, and lonely and prone to wander as well.

I hope my loved one will discover the truth of loving and being loved. We all have choices to make. My loved one can choose to stop lying and choose to be truthful. They can choose to let light in their life instead of darkness. They can choose to reach up for help. That help is available, only a prayer away, for God calls us out of darkness and into His glorious light (here, v. 9). They can choose to stop hurting their own self and others. I pray for that to happen soon.

Wedding Rings and Marriage

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, Big Daddy and I both got new rings. Our original engagement ring was the one his now deceased father gave his mother. It was very simple, a vintage design with both yellow and white gold and little diamond chips. It was just my style! We used my grandmother's wedding band, which closely resembled the engagement ring and also had a lovely vintage design in both yellow and white gold. Big Daddy's ring was a plain white gold band. His eventually got very scratched and misshapen due to the construction work he does. I haven't worn my set in the past several years due to weight gain.

In recent years we became aware that our original engagement ring held a very deep and special meaning for one of Big Daddy's younger sisters, due to its history as their parent's ring. We decided that since we wanted to celebrate with new rings, it would be a good gesture to give the engagement ring to his sister. I found a really nice silk cord, placed the ring on it and we sent it to her. I got the idea from my Mom. She wears my Father's wedding ring on a chain around her neck in a similar way, now that she is a widow. I thought that idea was lovely and that it would work in a similar way for my sister-in-law. The ring symbolizes her family and memories that are important. Those memories are close to her heart, and now she can wear the ring close to her heart.

Speaking of Marriage...
I really like what blogger Dave Burchett wrote:

I will celebrate (and that is the right word) my 34th wedding anniversary in July. It has not always been easy. We had some really rough times. But I am so grateful that we persevered. Something happens when a couple grows toward each other. When both parties give up the selfish expectation that the other person is responsible for their happiness then the biblical concept can begin to happen. My wife and I are experiencing that mystical journey of the two becoming one and I am more in love with her today than I was 34 years ago. There is a richness and depth to our relationship..."

see here


I must say that I am very happy with my decision to marry Big Daddy. Marriage is not easy. I am amazed in thinking of the circuit we have traveled together. There were some devastating lows and some giddily beautiful highs. I honestly feel like for every hard time we've come through things have become better on the other side. What a blessed arrangement!

Love Hurts - God Heals part 2

Have you ever poured out your heart and soul into a friendship with someone and they betrayed you? Or maybe they just weren't there for you when you really needed it? It makes you feel so hurt and sad. Maybe angry too. You question why you wasted so much time and energy on someone that proved to be so unworthy. Sometimes this makes you hesitant about befriending other people in the future. At least it's been that way for me. It seems like the past few years have seen a few of these situations in my family and it hurts like heck. I keep hoping there will be some sort of reconciliation and healing change. But it just hasn't happened (yet?). Perhaps it never will. So, I mourn the passing of friendships.

I have been thinking lately about these types of things. And I think I have concluded this: I don't think love is ever wasted, even if it's not appreciated or reciprocated. I think when we stand before the Lord at judgment, we'll have been relieved to say that we loved lavishly even if our hearts are broken to shreds. After all, that's what He did. And then we should just keep on loving and doing our best to be an open-hearted person.

The thing is, sometimes with some people, you have to love them from afar. We can be like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son. He was already looking down the road when his estranged son was coming home. We can determine from that, he had been looking for, hoping and anticipating his son's return. I believe we should have a heart that is open, welcoming and ready for reconciliation. The other person has to be on that same road as well. It has to be mutual. Just as the father was looking for the son, the son was ready to leave his "wild living" and return home. The son couldn't have it both ways at his home. He had to leave the destructive behaviour behind to enjoy the full benefits of a close relationship. Until that time, the father had his eyes on the horizon and a heart that seemed to be free of anger, accusations, and all the other things he probably felt over his child living wild and wasting his inheritance. He was ready when his child was ready, not with a lecture, but with open arms.

That's the lesson for me. Don't get hung up on bitter feelings over everything that has passed. Let it go and be healed and free from it. Be ready for restoration of the relationship, if and when it comes. In the mean time L-O-V-E from afar, as opposed to stewing or wallowing!




Image from Barry's Clip Art.

Love Hurts, God Heals

There is someone I love very much who has an addiction problem. Obviously, addiction causes all kinds of pain and suffering, that is well known and well documented. It effects every facet of life for the addict and usually for his or her family as well. Although the addict is most acutely effected, wide ranging fall out occurs in their circle of friends and family. The nature of the condition of addiction is that the person who suffers from it can be, among many other things, self-centered and prone to much lying and deception. When you love an addict, it's easy to let such things hurt you to the point that you mix a lot of anger and resentment toward the addicted person you love. I think it's important to separate those things and realize they are symptoms of a great sickness. And like any symptom of an illness or condition, it cannot be taken personally.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

May the Good Lord, full of grace and mercy shine His light on our hearts and change us for good. I mean change us and make us good, and that the change would be lasting! This can only be done through Him.

I am reminded of these passages of Scripture:

Jesus said:

 ⁹I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.

 ¹⁰The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

 ¹¹I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep. (John 10:9-11, King James Version)


Jesus said: ²⁷ All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. ²⁸ Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:27-29, New King James Version)


Click on:
Mark 5:2-15

 ²⁶But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26, King James Version)



So, in reminding myself of these passages, I am encouraged and firmly believe that God heals. He can and He will, in His time.