The Thing*, the sad thing, the semi-tragic thing, which cast a dark cloud over my family appeared on the horizon again recently. It's a dark cloud. So many years have passed now that I often see it as a simple shady puff of remembrance, that blows in now and then, and then blows off again. However, and variously through other loved-ones, it threatened to cast a grim shadow, and anchor itself down. I will not tolerate that, and I will fan it away.
I am thinking of this because I reconnected with an old family friend who also went through that same situation. This thing* affected both our families. The course of our lives and my family's trajectory was profoundly changed and altered in so many ways. I remind myself that not all of the changes are bad. Things were lost and things were gained. We all tried to make the best of it.
We were confused, hurt, utterly naive and ill-prepared for what happened to us. Our families' connection grew apart because of the circumstances, and decisions we made while in the midst of it. I suppose there have been suspicions over the years, I know my emotions and thoughts have followed various rabbit trails regarding the situation. I suppose it is common to consider that irrational notion that if our (relative's) paths never crossed none of this would had ever happened. That whole, 'I rue the day we met' kind of notion. Then there is the basic, human, self-preserving feeling that if those persons, places or things that remind us of the pain can be avoided so we'll be reminded less, avoid we shall. It's nothing personal it's just what our hearts need to do to survive at the time.
Anyway, all of that must fall away. Time has been served and the past should stay there in its rightful place. I don't want to nurse even the slightest negativity or lack of compassion toward those who were very similarly affected by The Thing*. Time does bring a resolve and an acceptance. I know the pain of the circumstances and what was lost: the dignity, the relationships, and many other things. So much hurt fell upon both our families. I have said it before and I will say it again, as a mantra to myself and a testimony to the only sure truth I have ever found, life hurts but God heals.
So, I wrote that today. As I was looking for a Flickr Commons photo to illustrate (clouds) the entry, I thought to listen to Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now, as I browsed, because of the clouds. I did not realize the outcome, and I find myself crying, ugly and bitterly because I am missing my father very much. I like Judy Collin's version of the song better.
Then, I thought of the Faulkner quote, "The past is never dead. It's not even past."
This thing is mostly past, I think.
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