This week, a FaceSpace* friend, Lola* posted about being un-friend-ed by someone, for no apparent reason, and how that hurt her. Lola wrote that she "frowns when she realized she was un-friend-ed for no reason." Puzzling as it is, there has to be a reason.
(Of course, this illicited a dozen or so responses from people that showed her support and affection.)
Perhaps the reason is not personal at all, but rather that the "un-friend-er" is quitting the site altogether or trimming down their list for various reasons. For example, I've heard of some who only want to be "friends" with people who are actually and currently friends, rather than a classmate or former co-worker that they rarely see. Others seem to enjoy being on the periphery of the lives of a slew of distant friends and acquaintances. This also speaks volumes again about the ways our communication is changing due to these newer ways of relating, and by that I mean the whole social networking phenomenon.
Lola's post reminded me that I have a grown, married niece that "un-friend-ed" me. I think she did it because I made a teasing comment about something she posted about Britney Spears, she's a fan. I didn't say anything rude or mean, but after I posted that comment I was un-friend-ed. Naturally I drew a conclusion. Who knows? It could have been a whim or an accidental click. If you know me or have read this blog for any amount of time, you know that Ms. Spears is the antithesis of who/what I like and appreciate about music, culture and art. (Yet I really like a Christmas song of hers I have on a Christmas CD of various artists.) So I rather good-naturedly teased my niece. At least I think it was mild rather than mean. I think I made some kind of self-deprecating joke about being and old-fogey because I don't get whole Britney Spears fan-dom thing.
I sort of tucked this away until now, and haven't really thought about it. When Lola posted about her situation, I began to ruminate about it again. It got me to consider some things. I suppose I don't have much in common with a Britney Spears fan, and therein lies the rub, haha, now that's just a joke. It would have been a better joke if we were talking about Christina Aguilera, though. Seriously, family and friends should be able to have a little teasing and joking between them. As well as the ability to be honest with each other about things that bother us, including being teased, without it causing an undue amount of strain or separation. Instead of actually communicating, neither my niece nor I pursued it further. This was a girl I loved and doted on when she was a child. I tried to support and love as she grew into adulthood and was there through all the milestones: graduation, engagement, wedding shower, wedding. So while it puzzled me, for short time after it happened, I never looked into it. I really could have sent her an email and inquired. She could have deleted my comment and let her old auntie know that she was annoyed by my comment, if that was the case. None of that happened. Now we're just not in touch.
Texting and social networking sites have changed the way we communicated, some for better and some for worse. But really, what am I going to do about it? In hindsight, perhaps I ought to have said something directly and tried to settle it immediately.
So, have these new ways of communicating affected you?
For better worse or both? How and why?
In which situations is un-friend-ing acceptable?
Why do you think people are more apt to click an "un-friend" button rather than really speak their mind to the person about whatever is bothering them enough to consider it?
*changed names, of course
4 comments:
It does hurt. I was surprised that it did. Two of our fellow CBers unfriended me within a week of each other and it completely took me by surprise.
One of them was the result of a misunderstanding....he eventually told me that he misconstrued what I was saying. This was well after he went off on me, on two different occasions, and even insulted my appearance. A week or so later he said that he had misunderstood me, but didn't apologize. He said that I could go ahead and request him as a friend again. I...could request....HIM, as if he was doing me a favor. I declined.
The other one, I was so shocked about, that I asked our mutual friend (Solomons Song) if he knew anything about it. He said I should just ask him straight away, because he thought this friend was the kind of guy who would be honest about it (and I agreed.) I pm'd him but he never responded. Ouch. It still bothers me, months later, and I don't know what caused the un-friending.
Thanks for letting me vent.
You're welcome to vent, Brian. I'm glad you stopped by and commented.
I have been thinking so much lately about our ambassadorship for Christ and what the Bible teaches about forgiveness and reconciliation. I like to give people the opportunity to let me know if there has been a problem, but some are silent and non-responsive as your friend was. All we can do is extend the olive branch, right, but if they do not receive it, what more can be done?
I want to note that I did reach out to my niece and apologize sometime after I wrote this original post. Soon after I wrote it, my pastor preached a sermon on Matthew 5:23-24, so I knew I should try to repair things if I could. It did not seem to help restore a relationship between us, but who knows what the future may hold.
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