Love without Regret

I can honestly say, that I have no regrets about who I married, about who I love. There is no old beau about whom I wonder, "What if..." I think that's a common theme of love songs and romance novels, but not for me. I wish those old boys well, but I am seriously happy with the man with whom I have spent over half my life with. And I don't believe the grass is greener anywhere else. Marriage is just hard sometimes, some years even, but the companionship and affection that grows through every challenge has been worth all the trouble and effort.
~ Happy Birthday to my partner and friend; my love and soul mate. ~

Messageboards and other random thoughts

At one time participating in a few message-boards was a lifeline for me. I really enjoyed the discourse about various subjects from a wide variety of people. I used to visit a parenting board, a self-help board, and tinkered around in some hobby boards. They can be quite interesting.

I have 3 all-time favorites, and here are two of them:
Hippie Christian Family and ChristianBoard
~
I like saying and writing "all-time favorite."
~
I like Alton Brown.
~
I was thinking about California because I lived there a long time ago, and because the little town where I lived had a huge Pumpkin Festival each year. It was known for growing pumpkins, flowers and Brussels sprouts.

Speaking of things that grow in California...I have been seeing a few shows about legalizing marijuana in California. I just know that if pot were legal and I finagled a prescription, me and my family would be in a heap of trouble. I am just amazed that people can get a prescription and there are little pharmacies that sell the stuff.

Anyway, I miss Half Moon Bay sometimes. It was/is a beautiful place.
Photo by rkramer62


Weird Thought, #1.
Do you remember the old TV show The Addams Family? When Morticia the wife would say a word or two in French, husband Gomez would shower her hand and arm with kisses. My following thought, odd and inappropriate perhaps, is along those lines. It crossed my mind nonetheless. I'll fully disclose in a minute, bear with me as I set it up. I thought this thought because I had watched the move Sling Blade (good movie) for the first time in years and years. Then, I heard 80's hair band Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" (never liked that song or band). Here is how it went in my (twisted) mind:
Poison song + Sling Blade + Morticia & Gomez = What if one was turned on by their beloved speaking sweet nothings to them in an unusual character's accent? Like Yosemite Sam's voice or Witch Hazel? Think about it the next time your sweetheart is whispering tender words of love, imagine those words in a rather unusual voice, and you will probably giggle and wish you could stop thinking about that.

Wedding Rings and Marriage

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, Big Daddy and I both got new rings. Our original engagement ring was the one his now deceased father gave his mother. It was very simple, a vintage design with both yellow and white gold and little diamond chips. It was just my style! We used my grandmother's wedding band, which closely resembled the engagement ring and also had a lovely vintage design in both yellow and white gold. Big Daddy's ring was a plain white gold band. His eventually got very scratched and misshapen due to the construction work he does. I haven't worn my set in the past several years due to weight gain.

In recent years we became aware that our original engagement ring held a very deep and special meaning for one of Big Daddy's younger sisters, due to its history as their parent's ring. We decided that since we wanted to celebrate with new rings, it would be a good gesture to give the engagement ring to his sister. I found a really nice silk cord, placed the ring on it and we sent it to her. I got the idea from my Mom. She wears my Father's wedding ring on a chain around her neck in a similar way, now that she is a widow. I thought that idea was lovely and that it would work in a similar way for my sister-in-law. The ring symbolizes her family and memories that are important. Those memories are close to her heart, and now she can wear the ring close to her heart.

Speaking of Marriage...
I really like what blogger Dave Burchett wrote:

I will celebrate (and that is the right word) my 34th wedding anniversary in July. It has not always been easy. We had some really rough times. But I am so grateful that we persevered. Something happens when a couple grows toward each other. When both parties give up the selfish expectation that the other person is responsible for their happiness then the biblical concept can begin to happen. My wife and I are experiencing that mystical journey of the two becoming one and I am more in love with her today than I was 34 years ago. There is a richness and depth to our relationship..."

see here


I must say that I am very happy with my decision to marry Big Daddy. Marriage is not easy. I am amazed in thinking of the circuit we have traveled together. There were some devastating lows and some giddily beautiful highs. I honestly feel like for every hard time we've come through things have become better on the other side. What a blessed arrangement!

Two Movie Reviews, or I Once watched Mama Mia

I don’t go to movie theaters much, particularly not for a grown-up movie. (I was going to write adult movie, but that usually means something entirely different than what I’m actually saying.) If I do go to the theater to see a movie, it’s usually G fare that our whole family [hopefully] enjoys. If Big Daddy and I want to see a movie for grown-ups, we just wait until it’s released on DVD and rent it.

I have recently rented and watched two movies that are music driven. I liked them both, in varying degrees and for varying reasons. A few thoughts occurred to me while watching them. I thought I’d compare and contrast them, and some of the issues they brought to my mind. You’ll have to bear in mind that I cannot help but view everything through the filter of my Christian beliefs.


The movie “Once” was released commercially in 2007, and I have wanted to see it since then. When we lived in Central Florida, our local movie rental store did not carry it. I was pleased to see it on the shelves of our local store here. Once is a serious movie of the independent genre. It follows the paths of two musicians who meet by chance, and strike up a musical partnership and friendship. The music drives the story along, as a natural part of the characters’ lives, and in the movie we see a slice of that life. The songs, which are very good, are showcased in that respect. The actors are also the real musicians, and while not well-known, are extremely talented.

“Mama Mia” is a musical, was released last year, in 2008. I probably don’t have to tell you it was a blockbuster. It’s based on the successful Broadway musical, based on the songs of 70’s super-group ABBA. I have always had a big-old soft spot for ABBA (even when I was a punk-rock grrrl and couldn’t admit it to anyone). ABBA’s hit songs are strung together to go along with the plot. The cast are all famous and award winners. The setting is a gorgeous Greek island. I love the songs, the location and the costumes (the flamboyant stuff and even the regular clothing). On a side note, I do appreciate that the bathing suit the main character wears during a scene was a cute one-piece, modest by most standards. Anyhow, it’s not meant to be a deep movie, it’s meant to be fun and fluffy. In those respects, it works.

The plot follows a young woman who is getting married. Her single Mom never told her who her father was, but she finds her mother’s diary from the summer before she was born. Unbeknownst to her mom, she reads the diary and discovers there are three viable candidates for her dad. Also unbeknownst to her mom, she invites them all to the wedding, hoping to find out the truth about her dad. Hilarity and shenanigans ensue (please know I am typing that with sarcastic fingers) over the discomfort of all parties, who do not know about each other, have not seen each other in 20 years and are slowly figuring out the paternity issues.



Both movies showcase wonderful music. Both movies deal with the foibles of life, lust and love, and our human ineptness or competence in dealing with such things; albeit in a low key kind of way. One movie is rather serious and the other is light-hearted.

Once is primarily about two characters, and a short period in their lives. Soon after their initial meeting, the Guy does declare his desire to spend the night with the Girl, which she refuses. We learn why his advances are rebuffed later, and he does not make any pressing moves after that. She is married, though estranged from her husband. It is not clear why. We learn the Guy’s passionate music is inspired by a woman he loved and left because of her unfaithfulness. It is revealed that she desires his forgiveness and to reconcile. Guy and Girl continue on in a very satisfying musical partnership and friendship. They encourage each other in their personal and professional pursuits. They truly make such beautiful music together; you know that it could very easily spill over to a romantic connection. You can sense their attraction to one another but they never let it cross the line. The Guy and the Girl go on to their respective futures and partners without having anything to complicate and shame them. They acted nobly toward one another. The characters hold to a higher ideal.

Mama Mia is another matter altogether. The characters become enmeshed in the baser human desires, revel in them, all the while lamenting over the fallout (read: heartache) from them. If only they would just stop the tomfoolery and stop and think for a moment. If the young Donna had not so quickly consoled herself in the arms of another man before her love affair with Sam was resolved, perhaps the two of them would have had a shot at a happy marriage. If Donna would have been honest and told her three lovers about her pregnancy, her daughter would have had a dad. That has obviously left a big hole in her daughter’s life. All three men seem happy to step up to the plate. Donna is puzzled at why her daughter even wants to get married. At the end, the young bride and groom call it off, for no other reason than they’re too young. Yet, they are going to sail off in the moonlight together to see the world and follow their dreams. Just not as a married couple. The old lovers, Donna and Sam do get married, so as not to waste a good wedding, and acknowledge that they do still have loving feelings for each other.

What is the message here? The young lovers were happy to make a commitment, and don’t seem impeded by anything other than their early 20-something age. Yet they “come to their senses” and realize that youth, marriage and following one’s dreams cannot occur, more or less, simultaneously. The old lovers have carried a torch for each other all those years. They admit to their individual various struggles in the intervening years: a failed marriage, struggles with loneliness, finances and single-parenthood. They would have saved themselves a lot of grief if they had accepted that true love is a virtuous possibility, worth fighting for (or waiting for), and it was within their grasp all those years ago. What if they just married back then? Am I the only one who thought, why are they nudging their daughter in the same mistaken direction they went in at her age? Don’t commit fully to love, honey, but do enjoy your freedom and liberty while you’re young, wink-wink. This seems so typical of the mores and values that came into the mainstream with the baby-boomer generation.

However, Mama Mia is meant to entertain rather than provoke thoughts, it’s a pleasant ride through a repertoire of pop songs. Yet I can’t help but wonder about the underlying values it asks me to just go along with and take for granted as I go on that ride. Once is a slice of life drama, it’s realistic, and it’s not pretty, like the people and setting of Mama Mia. What is beautiful about Once, is that it quietly and effectively ennobles the viewer through it’s subtle portrayal of a platonic relationship between two lonely and gifted musicians; and how they place the greater good over a instant gratification. The gracious gesture at the end of the movie Once shows more LOVE than all the wedding and bedding that is sung about, flirted with or implied within the entire Mama Mia movie.

I missed My Love...

...And thought of this song.


This is a great song no matter who sings it: Joe Cocker, Slade, or the above. I personally am fond of Joe Cocker's version. My Darlin is home now.

My Resolution

I am not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions because I have never been successful at keeping any that I have made, so far. In the spirit of optimism and new-leaf turning I am making one this year. It’s not a grand, earth changing, life altering one. It’s simple. I am resolving to be an aunt like my Aunt Teresa.


My Aunt Teresa was not related to me by blood, but by heart. She was among my parents’ closest, dearest friends and their next door neighbor for a decade, perhaps more. They remained life-long friends even after my folks moved to the West Coast and then down South. My Aunt Teresa gave me the best advice on my wedding day. “Just be nice to each other,” she said. (I share it now whenever I’m in the presence of newlyweds.) I cherish the memory. My Aunt Teresa never forgot my birthday and always sent me a card. Later on, she even remembered my children’s birthdays, even though she had only met Adam* once. For a time I was pretty good about the card thing myself, but years passed, and I slacked off. This year I have marked my calendars, and hope to follow in Aunt Teresa’s thoughtful footsteps and send my various family members & friends a card, in a timely manner, for their birthday.
That's it.
Carry on.

Aviation Adventure

That's us before take-off


Big Daddy has wanted to go on a bi-plane ride for several years now. When we moved to the Keys he was glad to see bi-plane rides advertised at the local airport, just a stone’s throw away. I thought I would surprise him with a ride on it for his birthday. I was not planning on going with him. There are many exciting things I would like to do, however, this intimidated me. There is the obvious reason – being so high up in the air and in an open, exposed cockpit. The other reason is this: For past few years my equilibrium or something has changed. I cannot tolerate roller-coasters or the like. The movement, height, and speeds that go along with such things don’t agree with me like they once did. At one time I was able to go on such rides over and over again with no problem. Recently, even swinging on the park swings with my children makes me a wee bit dizzy. So I thought the bi-plane ride would upset my head and my stomach. I am so glad I was wrong! I thought you only live once; I may as well go with him for this ride. I was rewarded with a thrill! I would do it again, it was simply breathtaking. I highly recommend it. Our pilot was a character, a bit salty, but he did a great job. He made it thrilling enough for Big Daddy and not overly so for me. I think that Big Daddy was genuinely surprised and enjoyed himself. It was a blessing for us both and I thank God for the opportunity.



This is a view of the 7 Mile Bridge from above

Baby-Man

I have noticed a certain personality characteristic some men have that I call “Baby Man.” I have observed people with this personality type in various ages, education levels and socio-economic backgrounds. These types of people can be especially challenging to deal with, and it’s especially tricky to rally round the women who love such men. The range of hurt and frustration these women display is nearly as potent as the other more aggressive kinds of marital dysfunction. Inevitably the wives are the ones who have to deal with and suffer from their attachment to these man-babies.


A “Baby-Man” is a grown man who acts like a child. Many of these men are delightful and charming, and other than this, they are good and likable fellows. Nobody is one-dimensional, and I realize that these guys have other qualities, they are more than their immaturity, but that is difficult to catch sight of after awhile. I am not talking about folks who have an off day where they indulge their inner-child or occasionally act childish. I am not talking about those who keep a child-like wonder with life, or even have some kid-like or fan-boy hobbies. My mom jokingly says, “Fellas don‘t start to mature until 30.” There’s a bit of truth in that notion, at least in our little sphere of experience, and guys I mean you no disrespect. Lord knows we women have our own issues. How many of us grew up together as we walked through married life? I know Big Daddy and I BOTH have.


I am talking about grown men who have responsibilities and commitments, yet consistently choose to act as selfishly and irresponsibly as if they were in middle school. Have you run into the type? They flit from one job to another, each time claiming the next one is the one that’s really their calling in life. They claim the reasons their previous jobs and schemes didn’t work out is due to some other factor or person. The economy went bad, their boss or co-worker had it in for them, or some other explanation that is difficult to believe because year after year, it’s the same old story. Whereas some people learn from their past mistakes, growing and making gradual improvements, these people refuse to accept responsibility and make necessary changes. They stay stuck in adolescent fantasy. When describing their latest plan/job/etc., they have all the zeal of a spoiled adolescent boy describing and selling the latest gaming system to his parents in hopes they will buy it for him soon. That includes explaining how lame the previous one has become.


Their wives or partners suffer the fall out of a life in constant upheaval. They move often or change jobs often or often have troubles due to the baby-man’s short attention span and his constant appetite for another toy to play with or another distraction to occupy him. Often it leads to debt or bad credit. Unfortunately that appetite can often include infidelity - which is the ultimate betrayal these poor women suffer. Yet somehow, the Baby-Men always seem to garner sympathy from their partners because of the off balanced thing in their relationships.


What is that thing?


I’m guessing that often their wives’ or partner’s nurturing instinct overrides her wifely sensibilities. Women can naturally be more nurturing than men, and these kinds of guys use that to their advantage. If a wife were to really think about it, it’s kind of lame, un-sexy and un-natural to fall into a mothering dynamic with a husband. We are to take our vows seriously, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, honoring and cherishing each other. In healthy relationships, certainly that includes caring for each other and nurturing each other. These kinds of men are masters at taking that notion and running with it until it breaks any semblance of a caring, mature relationship and warp it into a life where they have a mama that caters to their every whim, indulges them like a spoiled child and sleeps with them. If she's not actually catering to her Man-Baby's whims, she's putting up with it, running flusteredly around cleaning up the messes the way a busy mom runs after an active and impish toddler.


When the Man-Boys don’t get their way, they make life miserable for their partner, and I frequently observe them employing the techniques I see children employ to get their way: Tantrums, running away, manipulation, bargaining, and pouting. At other times they are on their best behavior, this happens when they are wanting something or after they get caught doing something bad and they’re trying to make up for it. These Baby-Men remind me of that old Judy Brady essay, but I believe these men go much, much further. That essay was written in the early 1970s. Oh how the dynamics of relationships have changed since then! Our culture has changed as well, some things for better and some for worse. Many of the men I’ve encountered with this personality type are not the career-minded man of Brady’s essay. They shun work and school! They seem to want to sit around as much as possible and pay video games (or some other hobby) to excess, in that their families actually suffer financially or in other ways because of that. The first person they cater to in life, the person who’s utmost comfort is their primary concern is not their children or their wife, it‘s themselves.


I have often thought of the very plain and harsh words of St. Paul, here, regarding men who won’t care for their own. Isn’t real love* about each partner putting the other one first? Some very satisfying and happy marriages have been built on that notion. I know I read somewhere a beautiful saying about “love being patient* and kind, not jealous or boastful or proud or rude and it does not demand its own way.”


So what can these women who are partnered to baby men do? I know a few of them have successfully encouraged their man-babies to grow up. It wasn’t always easy for them, but they found boundaries they could live with and set them. I believe the Lord would have us spur each other on to be better people and when we see serious character flaws, they must be addressed and dealt with. “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” It’s time to grow up!


*Sorry, i'm stuck on that song and threw it in.
*the love chapter