Communication Breakdown

I came across a quote by Robert McCloskey the other day:


"I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."


It made me smile, because I had found myself in exactly such a situation about a week ago. Mind you, it was not exactly a a happy smile, but a wry smile of familiarity. In the course of what I thought was a conversation between friends, I said something that made the my friend clam up and walk away. I didn't realize this at first because it happened while at work. Conversations there are fragmented, secondary things. Our first priority is the work at hand, the care and safety of the dear little children as they play on the playground. Our playground conversations, if we're even able to have them, are subject to numerous interruptions and postponements if we want to chat a bit about our lives. I found out later on, when I decided to see if the proverbial chill in the air was in fact a chill, that I had pushed a button, touched a nerve, and otherwise made a person mad. Then I got chewed out.

I think that I have been in ministry long enough to suppress the usual first reaction we have when confronted, and that is to just defend oneself. I usually go a little too far the other way, and I'm hard on myself. I rake my conscience to see if I was a fault and somehow offended one of the folks God has placed in my path for care and ministry. The bible says we are servant-leaders, and ambassadors for Christ. Though, I thought I was wearing the "friend hat" that day, more than the "ministry hat" I know that I am always on duty as a minister's wife.

After some thought and consideration I believe a word I chose was what set my friend off. What I thought I was conveying to my friend was sympathy and understanding. However, I used a word in passing, to describe the situation, that is wrought with (prejudicial) meaning for her. Hearing that word describe her situation, was all it took to upset her, regardless if the speaker was using it to convey sympathy or criticism. All she heard was a word that made her see red.

Anyway, she apologized since then, and that makes me even more relieved I did not try to "fight back" in any way. Let go and let God.

I missed My Love...

...And thought of this song.


This is a great song no matter who sings it: Joe Cocker, Slade, or the above. I personally am fond of Joe Cocker's version. My Darlin is home now.

Baby-Man

I have noticed a certain personality characteristic some men have that I call “Baby Man.” I have observed people with this personality type in various ages, education levels and socio-economic backgrounds. These types of people can be especially challenging to deal with, and it’s especially tricky to rally round the women who love such men. The range of hurt and frustration these women display is nearly as potent as the other more aggressive kinds of marital dysfunction. Inevitably the wives are the ones who have to deal with and suffer from their attachment to these man-babies.


A “Baby-Man” is a grown man who acts like a child. Many of these men are delightful and charming, and other than this, they are good and likable fellows. Nobody is one-dimensional, and I realize that these guys have other qualities, they are more than their immaturity, but that is difficult to catch sight of after awhile. I am not talking about folks who have an off day where they indulge their inner-child or occasionally act childish. I am not talking about those who keep a child-like wonder with life, or even have some kid-like or fan-boy hobbies. My mom jokingly says, “Fellas don‘t start to mature until 30.” There’s a bit of truth in that notion, at least in our little sphere of experience, and guys I mean you no disrespect. Lord knows we women have our own issues. How many of us grew up together as we walked through married life? I know Big Daddy and I BOTH have.


I am talking about grown men who have responsibilities and commitments, yet consistently choose to act as selfishly and irresponsibly as if they were in middle school. Have you run into the type? They flit from one job to another, each time claiming the next one is the one that’s really their calling in life. They claim the reasons their previous jobs and schemes didn’t work out is due to some other factor or person. The economy went bad, their boss or co-worker had it in for them, or some other explanation that is difficult to believe because year after year, it’s the same old story. Whereas some people learn from their past mistakes, growing and making gradual improvements, these people refuse to accept responsibility and make necessary changes. They stay stuck in adolescent fantasy. When describing their latest plan/job/etc., they have all the zeal of a spoiled adolescent boy describing and selling the latest gaming system to his parents in hopes they will buy it for him soon. That includes explaining how lame the previous one has become.


Their wives or partners suffer the fall out of a life in constant upheaval. They move often or change jobs often or often have troubles due to the baby-man’s short attention span and his constant appetite for another toy to play with or another distraction to occupy him. Often it leads to debt or bad credit. Unfortunately that appetite can often include infidelity - which is the ultimate betrayal these poor women suffer. Yet somehow, the Baby-Men always seem to garner sympathy from their partners because of the off balanced thing in their relationships.


What is that thing?


I’m guessing that often their wives’ or partner’s nurturing instinct overrides her wifely sensibilities. Women can naturally be more nurturing than men, and these kinds of guys use that to their advantage. If a wife were to really think about it, it’s kind of lame, un-sexy and un-natural to fall into a mothering dynamic with a husband. We are to take our vows seriously, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, honoring and cherishing each other. In healthy relationships, certainly that includes caring for each other and nurturing each other. These kinds of men are masters at taking that notion and running with it until it breaks any semblance of a caring, mature relationship and warp it into a life where they have a mama that caters to their every whim, indulges them like a spoiled child and sleeps with them. If she's not actually catering to her Man-Baby's whims, she's putting up with it, running flusteredly around cleaning up the messes the way a busy mom runs after an active and impish toddler.


When the Man-Boys don’t get their way, they make life miserable for their partner, and I frequently observe them employing the techniques I see children employ to get their way: Tantrums, running away, manipulation, bargaining, and pouting. At other times they are on their best behavior, this happens when they are wanting something or after they get caught doing something bad and they’re trying to make up for it. These Baby-Men remind me of that old Judy Brady essay, but I believe these men go much, much further. That essay was written in the early 1970s. Oh how the dynamics of relationships have changed since then! Our culture has changed as well, some things for better and some for worse. Many of the men I’ve encountered with this personality type are not the career-minded man of Brady’s essay. They shun work and school! They seem to want to sit around as much as possible and pay video games (or some other hobby) to excess, in that their families actually suffer financially or in other ways because of that. The first person they cater to in life, the person who’s utmost comfort is their primary concern is not their children or their wife, it‘s themselves.


I have often thought of the very plain and harsh words of St. Paul, here, regarding men who won’t care for their own. Isn’t real love* about each partner putting the other one first? Some very satisfying and happy marriages have been built on that notion. I know I read somewhere a beautiful saying about “love being patient* and kind, not jealous or boastful or proud or rude and it does not demand its own way.”


So what can these women who are partnered to baby men do? I know a few of them have successfully encouraged their man-babies to grow up. It wasn’t always easy for them, but they found boundaries they could live with and set them. I believe the Lord would have us spur each other on to be better people and when we see serious character flaws, they must be addressed and dealt with. “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” It’s time to grow up!


*Sorry, i'm stuck on that song and threw it in.
*the love chapter