What if I told you...?

What if I told you that someone very dear to me had congestive heart failure, and experienced symptoms of pain and breathlessness. Would you feel compassion for them? What if I told you my loved one had cancer. Would you find a way to show some moral support? What if I told you my family member was mentally ill and his/her symptoms are that of erratic and disturbing behaviour that is often emotionally hurtful to him/herself and others? What then would your reaction be?

In my family, there are those that completely cut themselves out of this person's life. I get that. Damage was done. And I actually don’t have a problem with that. My mentally-sick loved one has hurt every single person that has ever been close to him/her, or helped him/her. And the list of lies and betrayals is various and long. I guarantee that they have almost certainly hurt me and my family in greater ways many more times. Forgive me for getting testy with that last sentence, this isn't a contest of who has been hurt the most. I understand that everyone has to make the best choices they can for themselves. It’s a valid and often necessary choice to disengage from people that hurt and betray.

What has been most unfortunate and painful to me, is that this segment of the family seemed to go a step farther. They cut me and my family from their lives also. Presumably because we had chosen to maintain some relationship with the ill person, albeit a distant and limited one. We never insisted they maintain a relationship with our ill loved one after she/he offended them. We only kept the lines of communication open for ourselves. Without me getting too personal or specific, I will say that some relationships can be stronger than a Denali-sized heap of betrayal. Strong bonds such as a parent-to-child, can’t (or won’t) allow for ever giving up completely. And the offenses I speak of aren’t capital offenses, they are incidents of embarrassment, lies, unpredictable actions, things of that nature. I can't fully understand why they cut us off, I speculate that the inconvenience, messiness and stigma of mental illness is not compatible with their image of family life. It hurts to realize that the very people who distanced themselves from us, were among the same family members that we were supportive of while they went through their own struggles of a different sort.

Photo by smiteme. Permission granted under Flickr Creative Commons Agreement.

Illness is illness. I can't help but wonder that if said loved one had another kind of illness, she/he and we might not have been so summarily written-off, because other medical conditions garner more understanding and empathy. Mental illness is tricky. Just as we protect ourselves when a friend or loved on has a contagious illness, we often need to have some kind of protection with loved ones who have mental illnesses. Just as we adjust our expectations of what a physically ill person is capable of, we must have realistic expectations of what a mentally ill person is capable of. Education is a key factor, as is awareness. Then the necessary precautions must be taken. However, I chose not to abandon completely my mentally ill family member. I chose not to be embarrassed by, or unnecessarily cut off from them, after many painful and awkward starts and stops throughout the years. This didn't happen overnight, this was a process that happened over time, with many trials and errors, and educating myself as much as I could as I went along. Yes, my loved one is at times erratic, insensitive, and offensive. I wonder how much is within and how much is beyond their control due to their illness? I’m not sure. It is not easy, but it is possible to still maintain a loving and supportive relationship. Sometimes a glimmer of their old self shines through and it’s enjoyable. Sometimes it’s just letting them know that someone will be here for them. Sure, we have to be more guarded, and have to protect ourselves in certain ways, but at least our loved one has some knowledge that there are a few of us that still care.

I’m sharing this story in hopes that someone reading it may have a more compassionate approach to those with mental illness or those with loved ones who have mental health issues.

In the teachings of that divine and enlightened One, Jesus of Nazareth, He said, it’s easy to love those that love you. It’s easy to be good to those who are good to you. He exhorted us to be loving and caring toward those who are difficult and challenging(see here). So, I’m trying. I have to say, the shunning from my “healthy” loved ones hurts rather more than any of the things my unwell loved-one does or did.

from a journal entry 2009/10

Ode to an Addict

I think of you every time I watch Anthony Bourdain, Iron Chef and Good Eats on TV. I probably wouldn't have taken more than a passing interest in those shows if it weren't for you, but your influence got me hooked on them. I used to look at some of the comments you'd make, the songs you would link on your FaceSpace page. Many of them the tunes we grew up listening to on the am/fm radio of some huge Oldsmobile or Cadillac. I think of the song lyrics we changed and made into dirty and funny jokes between us. My mind wanders and I think, we could be a normal family, we could be sitting together eating macaroni and cheese or tortellini in cream sauce and watching those shows or listening to those tunes as we joke and laugh. We could be really real. It makes me miss you. Few families are perfect and 'normal' is subjective - but any semblance of genuine family interaction cannot happen because you don't live a real life, you live a double life. You might talk about those warm memories from good days-gone-by on the one hand, but the other side of you lies and scams people, abuses yourself and others. You use porn and talk to young Indonesian girls over the internet rather than the actual people in your life who (would) really care (if you let them). You tell your elaborate lies for as long as you can and when you're found out, you move on. I used to be left with the fall-out from that, the calls from concerned and angry people. Do you know how much you hurt? Notice I didn't say "hurt others?" You hurt. You are hurting. It's never to late to get help and change. You're worth it. I miss you.
~


I was upset, hurting and missing my loved one when I wrote this. I still hold out hope because I have faith and pray and believe in a living, miracle-working God.


Photo by Boskizzi

Nature Boy, part 2 (Journal Entry)

I am working through feelings and issues that impact me and my family. Addiction, co-dependency and dysfunction used to put an undue burden on my life and my heart. Over time, and most importantly through faith in a real and living God, healthier ways of living and coping are being sought and implemented in my life. Journaling is one tool on the road to healing. It helps me process and understand things in a more productive way.



I was thinking more about this song and my wayward loved one. The song itself, has a sort of positive message: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return." Yet, the overall impact of the song is somber (in my opinion). It feels sad. Beautiful, but sad, particularly in the Jazz versions of the tune.

My loved one seems to want love very badly but as best as I can tell, they look for that love in the wrong places and in the wrong way. This is my own limited knowledge and observation. I know that my loved one lies so much about so many things and inevitably the truth comes out sooner or later. Then the people who have been lied too act and react, and my loved one is further isolated. You cannot build relationships on lies. I know substance abuse is a factor. I suspect mental illness, because the lack of care toward others and the lies go beyond more typical addiction behaviour, if you will. Let me clarify, they are not lies to cover up and otherwise aid my loved one in getting high. Not ranting and babbling while under the influence. They are often grandiose lies that make my loved one look favorable, but often at the expense and hurt of others: slander.

Addiction, mental illness, what came first? Again, I'm not sure. If my loved one was not actively using alcohol and/or drugs, would the lies stop? In the past, and again it's difficult to tell, they have decreased somewhat but not stopped completely. Which has led to my suspicions of mental illness. Is my loved one capable of being truthful and having what I would call a "normal" relationship with people? And by that I mean any type of normal long-term relationship, be it friendships, romantic, etc., where there is give and take. A very strange and enchanted one, indeed, and lonely and prone to wander as well.

I hope my loved one will discover the truth of loving and being loved. We all have choices to make. My loved one can choose to stop lying and choose to be truthful. They can choose to let light in their life instead of darkness. They can choose to reach up for help. That help is available, only a prayer away, for God calls us out of darkness and into His glorious light (here, v. 9). They can choose to stop hurting their own self and others. I pray for that to happen soon.

Letting The Fantasy Die & Embracing Reality

I have been slowly letting the fantasy I have about my addicted loved one die. What good is it to harbor a fantasy that is not rooted in reality? There is a difference in hope and fantasy, and I think for a long time maybe I have blurred the lines between the two and it hasn't been helpful.


For a long time, in the back of my mind I had this dream that my ALO would recover things would get back to normal (whatever that is) and we'd be some sort of regular family again. Maybe we'd even open a restaurant together. We'd have happy Thanksgivings and Merry Christmases around a table that would make Norman Rockwell proud. My ALO would have their zest for life restored and become a productive and upstanding member of society and our family. We'd all be reasonably happy together.

The truth is, I needed a HUGE reality check. Things could never get back to normal because they were never "normal" to begin with. The fantasy I held was my very own fantasy, no one else shared it with me. I never bothered to really consider if this fantasy was the same dream anyone else shared. Rather it was just some thing that I harbored in my own mind, assuming that there was some level of familial sympatico. Never mind that my ALO was too entrenched in their own life and pursuits to share or discuss such a dream. I think I thought something like one day my ALO would wake up after being healed and clean and sober of their addictions and think, "Aha! Back I go to the bosom of my faithful family and we shall all build an idyllic life together!" I never really took into full consideration that my ALO has their own dreams and plans, and family life was not a priority for them. And that even now, in the throes of their addictions, they are a bonna-fide adult who has a right to live their own life. You can't make someone feel a love and attachment that simply isn't there for them. Everyone has different priorities and goals in life, it doesn't necessarily make them right or wrong. They simply have different preferences.

I was confusing my hope that they will one day recover with my own fantasy of what I thought their recovery should look like. Instead, now I am learning that my hope is that they will recover and find their own version of a happy, sane and sober life, and that life may or may not include me. And that's OK. I pray for and wish them well in it.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Thoughts on Lies, Addiction & Family Relationships

For some reason my addicted loved one (ALO) has focused their anger and ire on me during their most recent cycle of sobriety, fresh start/new life, relapse, hospitalization, and (hopefully)recovery. I have been called a devil, hypocritical Christian and the one that killed their (ALO's) relationship and/or opportunities. This is because I told the truth when asked questions regarding my addicted loved one's (ALO) life while they were hospitalized in a medically induced coma from illness that stems from their addiction.

For the first time I tried to refrain from apologizing for my ALO, because I struggle with feeling guilty when I become aware of the hurt they cause others in the course of their life of addiction. I remind myself that the people that chose to date, live with, employ, befriend, and otherwise help my ALO are adults capable of their own decisions about who they will let into their life and trust, help and love. It's not my job to go around apologizing for or fixing the things that people other than myself do to each other. I don't know why I feel like I should, but I used to have a real problem with that, and I am working very hard to not feel, think and react that way anymore.

I had not heard from my ALO in about 5 months when I was contacted by their live-in-companion who informed me ALO was hospitalized in critical condition. My ALO's companion then asked me some very basic questions about them, which I answered truthfully to the best of my knowledge. I tried, and I think mostly succeeded in keeping emotions, drama and opinions out of it. I tried not to add anything other than what I was asked. That is difficult when faced with some whoppers of lies, which when added to the worry and concern over the health of my loved one, it's difficult to stay calm and clear-headed. The shock of some of the content of the fabrications took me aback, but I made a good effort that is miles and miles better than my reactions to these kinds of similar scenarios I had been placed in in the past. I do this by reminding myself of the content of the italicized sentence in the previous paragraph.

I remind myself that my loved one has an illness and this is part of it. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. Only my loved one can, by the help and grace of God, change their life and choices.

As I mused about all of this this week, and prayed so much for my ALO I feel like God gave a little snippet of understanding. My ALO has hurt and alienated so many people in their life, but I know for sure that my Mom, Big Daddy and myself will never stop loving them. Our love is unconditional, but it's difficult sometimes. We have never been able to stop loving and caring. We have never been able or even willing to cut ties altogether. I believe that the Lord showed me that it was Him who placed ALO in a family of people that would not give up or abandon ALO.

Everybody has a cross of some kind to bear. This life is filled with hardships, some that we make ourselves, others we have thrust upon us, as Simon of Cyrene was told to carry Jesus' cross. Jesus loves us when we are unlovable and how much should we love those among us that are also a challenge.

So, it hurts me when my ALO calls me names for telling the truth regarding the lies they tell. It hurts to think about all the ways they have hurt themselves and others. Today the Lord reminded me of this:

"[And see to it that] your conscience is entirely clear (unimpaired), so that, when you are falsely accused as evildoers, those who threaten you abusively and revile your right behavior in Christ may come to be ashamed [of slandering your good lives].

For [it is] better to suffer [unjustly] for doing right, if that should be God's will, than to suffer [justly] for doing wrong."
-1 Peter 3:16-17 AMP

As I have been reading and being reminded in Crazy Love, it's easy to love people who treat you well and love you back. Jesus Himself taught us that here. If I get caught up in nursing hurts and anger I am less likely to pray for the people who need prayers the most and that includes myself and my own attitudes. I am more likely to be overcome with hurt, despair and my own bad feelings rather than overcoming evil with good.

In the past my mode of operation was to spend excess amounts of time wallowing, worrying and stewing over these types of hurts. Now I realize how unproductive that is. These situations are best handled when bathed in prayer, and by getting on with doing all the good things in life that Christ has called us to do. When I went to Al-Anon there was a saying that the members would say to each other in the meeting when someone was doing too much obsessing over the erratic and hurtful behaviour of their addicted loved one. They would say, "Yes that's bad that s/he is doing X-behaviour, but what are you doing FOR YOU?" Then they would go on to say something like, "Are you eating right? Are YOU getting enough sleep? Exercise? Enjoying your favorite hobby? Reading your Bible?"

So, this is me, e.b., working through this stuff.

Love Hurts, God Heals

There is someone I love very much who has an addiction problem. Obviously, addiction causes all kinds of pain and suffering, that is well known and well documented. It effects every facet of life for the addict and usually for his or her family as well. Although the addict is most acutely effected, wide ranging fall out occurs in their circle of friends and family. The nature of the condition of addiction is that the person who suffers from it can be, among many other things, self-centered and prone to much lying and deception. When you love an addict, it's easy to let such things hurt you to the point that you mix a lot of anger and resentment toward the addicted person you love. I think it's important to separate those things and realize they are symptoms of a great sickness. And like any symptom of an illness or condition, it cannot be taken personally.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

May the Good Lord, full of grace and mercy shine His light on our hearts and change us for good. I mean change us and make us good, and that the change would be lasting! This can only be done through Him.

I am reminded of these passages of Scripture:

Jesus said:

 ⁹I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.

 ¹⁰The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

 ¹¹I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep. (John 10:9-11, King James Version)


Jesus said: ²⁷ All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. ²⁸ Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:27-29, New King James Version)


Click on:
Mark 5:2-15

 ²⁶But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26, King James Version)



So, in reminding myself of these passages, I am encouraged and firmly believe that God heals. He can and He will, in His time.