Thoughts on Lies, Addiction & Family Relationships

For some reason my addicted loved one (ALO) has focused their anger and ire on me during their most recent cycle of sobriety, fresh start/new life, relapse, hospitalization, and (hopefully)recovery. I have been called a devil, hypocritical Christian and the one that killed their (ALO's) relationship and/or opportunities. This is because I told the truth when asked questions regarding my addicted loved one's (ALO) life while they were hospitalized in a medically induced coma from illness that stems from their addiction.

For the first time I tried to refrain from apologizing for my ALO, because I struggle with feeling guilty when I become aware of the hurt they cause others in the course of their life of addiction. I remind myself that the people that chose to date, live with, employ, befriend, and otherwise help my ALO are adults capable of their own decisions about who they will let into their life and trust, help and love. It's not my job to go around apologizing for or fixing the things that people other than myself do to each other. I don't know why I feel like I should, but I used to have a real problem with that, and I am working very hard to not feel, think and react that way anymore.

I had not heard from my ALO in about 5 months when I was contacted by their live-in-companion who informed me ALO was hospitalized in critical condition. My ALO's companion then asked me some very basic questions about them, which I answered truthfully to the best of my knowledge. I tried, and I think mostly succeeded in keeping emotions, drama and opinions out of it. I tried not to add anything other than what I was asked. That is difficult when faced with some whoppers of lies, which when added to the worry and concern over the health of my loved one, it's difficult to stay calm and clear-headed. The shock of some of the content of the fabrications took me aback, but I made a good effort that is miles and miles better than my reactions to these kinds of similar scenarios I had been placed in in the past. I do this by reminding myself of the content of the italicized sentence in the previous paragraph.

I remind myself that my loved one has an illness and this is part of it. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. Only my loved one can, by the help and grace of God, change their life and choices.

As I mused about all of this this week, and prayed so much for my ALO I feel like God gave a little snippet of understanding. My ALO has hurt and alienated so many people in their life, but I know for sure that my Mom, Big Daddy and myself will never stop loving them. Our love is unconditional, but it's difficult sometimes. We have never been able to stop loving and caring. We have never been able or even willing to cut ties altogether. I believe that the Lord showed me that it was Him who placed ALO in a family of people that would not give up or abandon ALO.

Everybody has a cross of some kind to bear. This life is filled with hardships, some that we make ourselves, others we have thrust upon us, as Simon of Cyrene was told to carry Jesus' cross. Jesus loves us when we are unlovable and how much should we love those among us that are also a challenge.

So, it hurts me when my ALO calls me names for telling the truth regarding the lies they tell. It hurts to think about all the ways they have hurt themselves and others. Today the Lord reminded me of this:

"[And see to it that] your conscience is entirely clear (unimpaired), so that, when you are falsely accused as evildoers, those who threaten you abusively and revile your right behavior in Christ may come to be ashamed [of slandering your good lives].

For [it is] better to suffer [unjustly] for doing right, if that should be God's will, than to suffer [justly] for doing wrong."
-1 Peter 3:16-17 AMP

As I have been reading and being reminded in Crazy Love, it's easy to love people who treat you well and love you back. Jesus Himself taught us that here. If I get caught up in nursing hurts and anger I am less likely to pray for the people who need prayers the most and that includes myself and my own attitudes. I am more likely to be overcome with hurt, despair and my own bad feelings rather than overcoming evil with good.

In the past my mode of operation was to spend excess amounts of time wallowing, worrying and stewing over these types of hurts. Now I realize how unproductive that is. These situations are best handled when bathed in prayer, and by getting on with doing all the good things in life that Christ has called us to do. When I went to Al-Anon there was a saying that the members would say to each other in the meeting when someone was doing too much obsessing over the erratic and hurtful behaviour of their addicted loved one. They would say, "Yes that's bad that s/he is doing X-behaviour, but what are you doing FOR YOU?" Then they would go on to say something like, "Are you eating right? Are YOU getting enough sleep? Exercise? Enjoying your favorite hobby? Reading your Bible?"

So, this is me, e.b., working through this stuff.