Thoughts on the extended family - Journal Entry

Original source Photo by Robert Tadlock. Used with permission.

When the deep melancholy of my soul demands my full attention. Lick this wound, it says, pick this scab. Wallow and whine. You have been hurt, it says. What hurts the most is seeming to be forgotten, not even missed. In retrospect, not forgotten, perhaps more like disregarded. For a long time I missed the family relationships I once had. I poured love into them because I liked them, loved them. I gave my hospitality and my heart. I helped them when they needed it, gave them a place to stay, showed them around tried, tried, tried like heck to build a family. Sometimes when they stepped on my toes I ignored it, because I had a hard time standing up for myself. I also feel everyone should have an occasional pass or two when they behave badly, so long as it's rare not habitual. When they kept stepping on my toes I finally had to say something. Ouch! That hurts could you please not do it again? I guess they like to step wherever they like with no regard to the toes of others, because when I mentioned it, they shut me out shut me down. And no matter what efforts I made to smooth things over and rebuild a relationship, to this day we remain estranged. And even from afar, when I have established a safe distance, they seem to continue to find ways to step on toes. I must conclude that they like stepping on people's toes. Why?
from 7/29/2011

Yesterday & Today

Yesterday we were:
*Eating all the leftover chicken from that crock pot recipe disaster and not loving it.

Yesterday was:
*My last day as full time teacher of the darling four-year-olds, who sometimes convinced me I had the best job in the world. At other times I was broken by the hitting, kicking, biting, low pay/high responsibility and sometime lack of support or respect.

Today I am:
*summer camp maven, initiating my young co-teacher and basking in the sun and the sand of Little Duck Key with our young adventurers. The children were a delight. Our feet are sore and tender and need to get summertime tough and calloused to put up with the hot concrete, gritty sand and what not. I am greatly concerned that the oil spill will impact days such as this in the future.

*Tonight there is thunder and a little lightening, but no rain. I like the summer storms, so long as they are short in duration. I heard that two people died today in an accident on US1. I pray their families and loved ones are finding comfort in The Comforter. Life is fragile, ya'll.

So, friends, confirm God's invitation to you, his choice of you. Don't put it off; do it now. Do this, and you'll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.

-2 Peter 1:10-11

Thoughts on Lies, Addiction & Family Relationships

For some reason my addicted loved one (ALO) has focused their anger and ire on me during their most recent cycle of sobriety, fresh start/new life, relapse, hospitalization, and (hopefully)recovery. I have been called a devil, hypocritical Christian and the one that killed their (ALO's) relationship and/or opportunities. This is because I told the truth when asked questions regarding my addicted loved one's (ALO) life while they were hospitalized in a medically induced coma from illness that stems from their addiction.

For the first time I tried to refrain from apologizing for my ALO, because I struggle with feeling guilty when I become aware of the hurt they cause others in the course of their life of addiction. I remind myself that the people that chose to date, live with, employ, befriend, and otherwise help my ALO are adults capable of their own decisions about who they will let into their life and trust, help and love. It's not my job to go around apologizing for or fixing the things that people other than myself do to each other. I don't know why I feel like I should, but I used to have a real problem with that, and I am working very hard to not feel, think and react that way anymore.

I had not heard from my ALO in about 5 months when I was contacted by their live-in-companion who informed me ALO was hospitalized in critical condition. My ALO's companion then asked me some very basic questions about them, which I answered truthfully to the best of my knowledge. I tried, and I think mostly succeeded in keeping emotions, drama and opinions out of it. I tried not to add anything other than what I was asked. That is difficult when faced with some whoppers of lies, which when added to the worry and concern over the health of my loved one, it's difficult to stay calm and clear-headed. The shock of some of the content of the fabrications took me aback, but I made a good effort that is miles and miles better than my reactions to these kinds of similar scenarios I had been placed in in the past. I do this by reminding myself of the content of the italicized sentence in the previous paragraph.

I remind myself that my loved one has an illness and this is part of it. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. Only my loved one can, by the help and grace of God, change their life and choices.

As I mused about all of this this week, and prayed so much for my ALO I feel like God gave a little snippet of understanding. My ALO has hurt and alienated so many people in their life, but I know for sure that my Mom, Big Daddy and myself will never stop loving them. Our love is unconditional, but it's difficult sometimes. We have never been able to stop loving and caring. We have never been able or even willing to cut ties altogether. I believe that the Lord showed me that it was Him who placed ALO in a family of people that would not give up or abandon ALO.

Everybody has a cross of some kind to bear. This life is filled with hardships, some that we make ourselves, others we have thrust upon us, as Simon of Cyrene was told to carry Jesus' cross. Jesus loves us when we are unlovable and how much should we love those among us that are also a challenge.

So, it hurts me when my ALO calls me names for telling the truth regarding the lies they tell. It hurts to think about all the ways they have hurt themselves and others. Today the Lord reminded me of this:

"[And see to it that] your conscience is entirely clear (unimpaired), so that, when you are falsely accused as evildoers, those who threaten you abusively and revile your right behavior in Christ may come to be ashamed [of slandering your good lives].

For [it is] better to suffer [unjustly] for doing right, if that should be God's will, than to suffer [justly] for doing wrong."
-1 Peter 3:16-17 AMP

As I have been reading and being reminded in Crazy Love, it's easy to love people who treat you well and love you back. Jesus Himself taught us that here. If I get caught up in nursing hurts and anger I am less likely to pray for the people who need prayers the most and that includes myself and my own attitudes. I am more likely to be overcome with hurt, despair and my own bad feelings rather than overcoming evil with good.

In the past my mode of operation was to spend excess amounts of time wallowing, worrying and stewing over these types of hurts. Now I realize how unproductive that is. These situations are best handled when bathed in prayer, and by getting on with doing all the good things in life that Christ has called us to do. When I went to Al-Anon there was a saying that the members would say to each other in the meeting when someone was doing too much obsessing over the erratic and hurtful behaviour of their addicted loved one. They would say, "Yes that's bad that s/he is doing X-behaviour, but what are you doing FOR YOU?" Then they would go on to say something like, "Are you eating right? Are YOU getting enough sleep? Exercise? Enjoying your favorite hobby? Reading your Bible?"

So, this is me, e.b., working through this stuff.

How To Defeat Yourself, Creatively Speaking

1. Don’t ever sit down in front of your drafting table with pencil or pen in hand.


2. Better yet, place an ironing board in front of the table, and stack it with junk, clothes, clutter and NONSENSE!


3. Tell yourself you will tidy it up and get on track tomorrow, or Saturday, or Monday.


4. Keep telling yourself that and NOT actually do it.




I finally cleared off the ironing board yesterday and put it away where it belongs! I’m not making any resolutions about it or anything. I’m just saying that I cleared a path, and the drafting table is in a slanted position, so clutter cannot stick to it.


As of today's date, my dear and beloved Mother is a 10 year breast cancer survivor. I thank The Good Lord, for my Mom and the time He has given us.

Memorial

In Loving Memory of F.C.D.
January 2, 1932 - November 17, 2000

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Rev. 21:3-4





The photo is of my Dad and I on my wedding day, it's one of my favorites. I picked the Bible verse because it comforts me, particularly in regards to this situation. I posted the Mills Brothers song because they were among my Dad's favorite musical artists. (Two other songs I considered posting, because they remind me of my Dad are Had A Dad by Jane's Addiction and I'll Be Seeing You, but I was looking for the version by Billie Holiday. The Mills Brothers seemed the best fit, I think my Dad would agree.) I can remember falling asleep to their records, as well as the Ink Spots, during the summers of my childhood. My dad would have the old cabinet stereo playing the records in the house. He ran a cord and a speaker out to the porch where he, my mom and their friends would be sipping martinis, chatting and laughing. Perhaps even playing cards, probably Pinochle. I remember feeling happy and secure. That was life back then.

My Ironic Jury Duty

I was called for jury duty on the exact anniversary of my Dad’s death. Those of you that know me intimately know why this is ironic. Since I don’t believe in coincidence, I will be curious to see if there is some divine purpose in this. I thought to write more about this situation but I am feeling at a loss for words and somewhat vulnerable right now.


The thing is, I have always somewhat welcomed the idea of jury duty. I know everyone else complains about it, but I have been curious to participate at least once. I was only called one other time. I was excused because I was rather far along in a pregnancy.


So, I am thinking about these things, considering the implications, and wondering how it will turn out.

Notes from the End of October

I have applied for a few jobs. We'll see what happens.


Our computer died, so I am only online sporadically for awhile now.


Our bank account was broken into and money stolen. Fraud stinks. The bank will cover but it still stinks.

I finally joined myspace, after fearing it for years. I must say I like it so far, and am looking forward to the prospect of staying in touch with some folks a bit more regularly, it's easy there. I found several nieces and nephews on there and I'm pleased about that!

The weather is markedly cooler. I am staying busy with ministry related activities and will update later.


Oh yes, and Kirisuto/Garra won the contest. She will be receiving her prize soon(er or later). Thanks to all (Amy! Preacher! Garra!) who commented and participated!

A Brown-Eyed American Girl Looks at 40

What can I say? I wanted to write something clever, insightful and funny about my milestone. But you know me. So, this will be more like a whining journal entry from an overgrown emo kid. I thank God I made it this far. I feel my 40 years and I’m at peace with them right now. When I was about 32 or so, I kind of freaked out a little. I suppose if you would have asked me then I would have said, I can’t see myself at thirty, I don’t want a lacquered thirty...Jefferson I think we're lost. I was overweight, unhappy about some things. My hair was getting more gray. For several years I had this single gray hair that grew in the same place and I could just pluck it out. Then came multiple gray hairs. I got highlights which was nice, they camouflaged the gray, until the day my hairdresser overdid it and fried my hair. I let it grow out and have not had it done since. Back then I even began to lie about my age, shaving off a few years. Can you believe it? A pastor’s wife lying about her age, well you know I didn’t get away with that nonsense for long. Then something happened, I began to consciously just try be happy with myself. OK, I wasn’t hard on other people who were chubby, flustered or fill-in-the-blank. So why was I so hard on myself? Yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds, but until I do, I am not going to beat myself up over it. It’s sort of like the Serenity Prayer, I was changing the things I could, accepting the things I couldn’t and beginning to seek the Lord for the wisdom to know the difference in it all. So I’m counting my blessings. I’ve had a good life so far. I was adopted by wonderful parents, I was given up for adoption by wonderful parents. I feel like I had a really happy childhood and not everyone can say that. I found a excellent man. He’s an honorable husband and a darn good father. We have our ups and downs, but overall I feel like we might be hitting our stride, and that feels pretty good. I have three children that are the absolute cat’s pajamas. I’m happy with my life. I’m still overweight, I’m still not quite the productive artist I’d like to be, but I know that I have been blessed and I know who has sent those blessings my way. Really, that is the key. Before I had a spiritual awakening, conversion, whatever you want to call it, I had no lasting peace or happiness in my life. Since that conversion, my faith, hope and trust are in Jesus Christ and that has made a difference for me. So I thank God for these 40 years and ask Him to help me live another 40 or so, and be a reflection of some of His goodness while He gives me the time. Some days I still feel like the scared and confused 14 year old who stood alone on her balcony listening to cars roll by, down on 441, like waves crashing on the beach (on US 1, really, I could hear the waves and the cars). How many desperate moments did I have then? Other days I feel like singing, Sha la la la....Sha la la la La dee da! One thing for sure I do not feel like an over forty victim of fate. Pardon me for sounding like a cliché, sometimes the lights all shining on me, other times I can barely see, lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it’s been. I think what I realize more and more now, is just how little I do know, how much more I’d like to learn and do, and when my time is up, will my Heavenly Father be happy with what I’ve done? Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.


*for the first person to correctly name all the song lyrics and artists I referenced in the above post, there will be a free prize, a little peice of original art from yours truly. répondez s'il vous plaît.

Insanity, Procrastination & Change

One of Big Daddy’s favorite quotes is the following from Albert Einstein:
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
He uses this in his messages from time to time. He illustrates it by walking into a wall several times. Then he will finally stop and turn, or open a door. It drives the point home.

So, today, dear readers, I’ll let you in on a secret. From the biggest things in your life to the smallest, don’t expect any change for the better until you change. The “you” is “me” and I’m writing this to myself. God will send you help if you want to change for the better, but He expects some effort on your part. Only the smallest effort. A hand reaching up. A sincerely whispered, ‘I’m sorry.” A realization. Aha! But if you continue in your old patterns and habits, things will stay the same or get worse.

I will not be happy, completely happy until I pick up a paintbrush, or pencil, or charcoal or something REGULARLY and put it to paper! The dry spell won’t stop until I start. Doing. Regularly. Like. Brushing. My. Teeth.

What insanity are you striving to overcome?

I am also striving to floss daily. I hate it, but I know it’s good for me.

Notes from Mid-September

I have not posted in awhile. My heart & prayers go out to those in TX, LA, Haiti, Cuba, the Dominican Republic, Turks & Caicos, and elsewhere. I was merely inconvenienced by the storms and hurricanes, whereas these places, and the people who live there, are devastated.

Things have been a bit hectic with storms, evacuations, my husband working out of town and so forth. It is a bit overwhelming to have to handle family and church responsibilities all by myself, and I am glad my husband is back to resume his part in things. Frankly, the ugly tendrils of depression are trying to drag me down again, and by the help and grace of God I have been withstanding it. One of the first areas I seem to neglect when sinking, is anything artistic. As you may know my artistic talents are already hanging by an anemic thread. And this blog has been a bit of an artistic outlet, writing and journaling are helpful and somewhat cathartic in rekindling that part of myself. I had set up a little work area with a drafting table in my bedroom. I had begun to make some little sketches with pencil and paint. You know what kind of paint I bought? Tempera! Let the “inner child” play! Baby steps. It smells good the way Play-Doh smells good. Tempera is not widely used today like oils, acrylics and watercolor, but it gets the job done.

Old Friends

This past June we celebrated our wedding anniversary. We didn’t do too much since we were gearing up for our move, actually we were right in the process of moving and it was also the last week of school for the children. Once we got to our new home, and were a bit settled in, my husband did something very sentimental that we hadn’t done in about 17 years. He cued up our wedding video on the VCR, and we all watched it. How young and happy we all looked! How bittersweet to see our dear loved ones that have since died. Our kids were delighted to see it. This got me thinking about our old friends who were such an important part of our big day, and our lives then. I was able to find a few that I had lost track of, and sent an email to the ones I haven’t contacted in a long while. The wonders of googling and yellow pages dot com, because I was able to track them down without much trouble. I love and miss them and this poem is for them:

New Friends and Old Friends
by Joseph Parry

Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine.
Friendships that have stood the test -
Time and change - are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray,
Friendship never knows decay.
For 'mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas! may die,
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast -
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.

For those that have left this life, Daddy, Aunt Dolly, Aunt Teresa and Johnny you remain, forever to stay gold in our hearts.

The Upside of My Clutter-Procrastination Problem

Well, really there isn’t much of an upside to clutter or procrastination. Seriously. But here is one of the quirky by-products of my clutter/procrastination problem: I tend to put aside rolls of 35 mm film I have taken, and place them in a drawer somewhere rather than get them developed right away. Big Daddy will come across them, usually years later, and get several developed al at once. Then it was like looking at a time capsule and very fun! In the course of our move, we came across some of these, and one roll was from 9 years ago when we lived in Apopka!
This was from my garden back then:

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

In honor of my darling babies who are visiting their Granny, I post this which they inspired. I wrote it sometime in April of 2008.

Warning: This post is sick. Vomit is discussed. Stop here and read no further if you have a weak stomach.


My morning (yesterday):

Get everybody up and moving for school. That means dressed, fed, & groomed (hair, face & teeth is my morning mantra). Adam had an 8:15 am doctor’s appointment for his Franken-finger (Frankenstein + finger = nasty bacterial infection). Calvin has to go with us, because Big Daddy is back to work (Thank God!). Big Daddy can see Flora off on her school bus, though. So we are on the road to the clinic which is about 15 miles away, and about 5 miles before we get there, Calvin lives up to his nickname: Up-Chuck. He has motion sickness. He has improved so much, and it’s been awhile since we had an episode in the van, so I didn’t have the towel and cup handy… Most of it got on his jacket. Adam rushes into the clinic to sign in on time. I clean Up-Chuck-up as much as possible. He is feeling fine and sits still for me in the waiting area. Thankfully we don’t have to wait too long. Perhaps the smell of our little group was instrumental in expediting our visit. I decide to stop at the pharmacy nearest to the clinic so Adam can get a dose of meds in him before I drop him off at school (he can’t miss anymore school). I pick up a few grocery items while I wait and write a check over the total amount, so I can have a little cash on hand. I pick up the prescription and head out. On the way to Adam’s school, Calvin throws up a little again, but we were prepared with a cup this time. After I drop Adam off I realize that the cashier never gave me my cash back. I get my receipt and call the number. I cannot drive all the way back there with a pukey child, in pukey clothes that I will have to load and unload out of his pukey car seat. At least when I was there earlier, Adam could sit with him in the van. I explain this, the lady from the store says she’ll count the cashier’s drawer to make sure, and call me back at home. I get home, clean out all of the pukey stuff from the van, you know you have to practically disassemble the car seat to remove the cloth covers, seat belt straps, etc. I get what I can into the washer. I run a bath for Calvin, who is very hungry now, of course. Bathe him, feed him, get him settled, resting and watching a movie. He is fine now. I am exhausted, though, and it‘s only 11am. My day begins at 6:30. Yesterday was quite similar to today. Yesterday was Flora having a melt-down. She was crying and freaking out before her bus came. She walks the dog in the morning and we play fetch with him a little while we wait for the bus. The dog got away from her, chasing after a bird and getting filthy in a muddy retention pond. Guess who had to catch the dog? Guess who had to wash the dog? Guess who got painfully scratched by the dog? Guess who was tempted, right then and there, to take the dog to the humane society? Then I had to rush off to a full day of errands with Calvin, rush home to plan dinner, do a few chores, and then get ready and go to my evening job. I was home at around 9:15pm which is surprisingly early.

It occurs to me, this is the kind of day they should use as an example for abstinence and birth control education. I’ve had many days just like this one, I'm sure most of you have also! My advice for the teen kids contemplating sex - don’t do it until you are READY for it, because it will lead to a life like mine. Smelling like puke and not enough sleep. Smelling like a wet dog and not enough sleep. And cleaning up the puke.
"Nausea, bloody red eyes go to nausea, bloody red eyes go to sleep...."

Sigh.

At one time I smelled like cloves and marigolds and cinnamon.

Songs for today:
Mama Said, Nausea, Middle of the Road, Once in a Lifetime

My mama, bless her heart, really never told me there would be so much puke. So I am telling you: you teens, you youngsters out there contemplating sex (I mean coitus), which leads to babies and children, realize there is a lot of puke that goes along with that!

If I Don't Play Piano, Sing In the Choir or Teach Sunday School What Do I Do?

Is it selfish that I am not completely immersing myself in ministry and related things here at the new church? What I am immersing myself in is getting back into creative and other interests of mine. However, I find myself feeling a little bit of guilt. I became a Christian sometime in 1993 and followed right along side my husband as he received a calling on his life; accepted it and held various ministry positions (as did I) and ultimately he became a pastor. During that time I felt like my main focus in life was family first, and then always something to do with ministry, and I loved it. I just feel that I am in a different mode right now. I have felt a growing conviction over the years that it was time to use whatever artistic talent I had as a ministry of sorts before I got any older. (Use it or lose it, baby!) So here I am. I have not done anything much as the Pastor’s Wife, and don’t plan to until I’m absolutely sure God has called me to it. I do feel sure God has called me to start doing art again, and so I will. I’m not sure where that will lead and how it will go but I’m glad to do it. I look at our other ministry friends and read the blogs of other Christians and see how on fire they are and how focused they are on being missional, outreaching, with missions to inner cities and/or other countries, being prayer warriors, evangelizers, etc., and I wonder about myself. Am I missing it? Did I get burnt out and grow so cool I can't or won't do my part to be God's hand of mercy extended? It seems so selfish to do something that isn’t direct spiritual warfare or for the greater good of others. Of course I can always do both creative things and ministry things and there will be times where that blends and overlaps. It’s just that now I feel a time to pause from the one to reclaim the other, if that makes sense. So, that is what I am reflecting on these days.
If I Don't Play Piano, Sing In the Choir or Teach Sunday School What Do I Do? Draw, paint, plan, cut, paste, photograph…

Movin' On

My goal was to do one post a week, but I have not done that lately. We are in the process of moving and when I get set up in our new location, I will begin again.

This is not only a hectic time, but an emotional one. Our 'old church' is like family, and was so much a part of our daily life. It was our first pastoral position, and we were there seven complete years. I say “our” because even though Big Daddy was the pastor, his family labored in that vineyard right along side him. We all certainly will miss our dear, dear church family at Harvest. We are also moving away from our relatives. That will be difficult since my Mom and brother are local as well as Big Daddy’s brother and his family. His youngest sister and her family also live nearby, however we are estranged from them. It is unfortunate that this move will likely advance the estrangement rather than remedy it. Then there are our neighbors, co-workers and friends - so many good people to miss! They all have been a blessing to us, making our lives interesting, colorful and fun. We look forward to the change, the new life, the new ministry, church and home, but it is bittersweet. These are the things I have been thinking about. I will miss swimming in the local springs, canoeing down the rivers. I will like swimming and canoeing in the gulf and the Atlantic, though. So, Big Daddy really is my moving buddy, and has been many times. We have lived in our current home for about eight years and that is the longest I personally have lived anywhere in a single location. I hope to put down some roots in the keys, I like sand between my toes! Will I grow best in sandy soil? Stay tuned.

Happy Places, Happy Faces

"My happy place"

"I found my moving buddy"


Big Daddy and I have been together so long we have a few little inside jokes between us. That comes from a few shared experiences. When our oldest child was little we had to watch Toy Story many, many times. There are two quotes we say to each other. The first is, “I found my moving buddy.” If you know the movie as well as we do you recall that this is said by the character Bo-Peep, after she and all the other toys witness a cool stunt soon after they meet Buzz. We say this to each other when either one of us is particularly pleased with the other. The other quote is when the character Hamm(?) is scared or nervous and he keeps repeating, “Find your happy place, find your happy place!” to himself. Whenever we see a nice bit of scenery, or find ourselves someplace nice and relaxing, I tell Big Daddy, “This is my happy place.”
Naturally that's what I thought of when I saw these two photos we took recently in the Keys.