- Maya Angelou
"...it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you."
About twelve years ago someone recommended the book "Boundaries" by Doctors Cloud and Townsend. In it's own way, you could consider it the Christian version of "Co-Dependent No More" which is the self-help bible for those in close relationships with addicts or abusive people of one kind or another. Besides the Bible, I think it is the book that most changed my life for the better. I had trouble with a variety of my relationships, let me just say that alcoholism was a factor in some of the relationships, though there were other factors as well. I was a doormat. I was loathe to say no to people when they asked me to do things for them, even things they shouldn't have asked, or things that most people wouldn't dare to ask. I would put up with rude comments without complaint or acknowledgment. Instead of expressing my thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, I would internalize it and have a lot of seething anger and resentment. I believe God sent those books into my life as a supplement for the way He was changing me, helping me and growing me as His child and follower. So with much prayer I went forward and those books helped me to implement healthy tools and ways of coping with not only difficult people, but every person in my life.
The amazing thing was, when I began setting the healthy boundaries my relationships with a few people improved! However, the improvement wasn't until after an initial difficult period of time. The transition was uncomfortable. Some people didn't want to respect my healthy boundaries at first. Eventually they did, though, and then our relationship grew and flourished. A new, improved relationship was built out of the ashes of the old one. There was more respect and honesty. It was/is great.
I thought that because I experienced this good growth and change in a few relationships, that all my relationships would be that way! Boy, was I wrong! And I say that with wide eyes and a smile on my face, even though it's sad to lose friends. I don't think I consciously believed that, or even thought much about my new boundary changes bringing healing and good in my all relationships in those specific terms. I think it was more of me just not realizing that simply because I was ready for health and change for the better, everyone else would be as well. Do all of us have a tendency to automatically view people from the filter of our experience, rather than realizing that every single individual has a different perception and perspective on life? I am guilty of that. I think sometimes because I try to be a loyal friend and have an open heart everyone else is basically that way, but they are not, no more than everyone loves dark chocolate and Monty Python like I do. Surely some people want a friend who is a doormat. They aren't interested if the rug they wipe their feet on is ready to be wall tapestry. Some are not out-and-out users, to be sure, but they simply don't want the slightest change at all.
I found this particularly hard to accept in my friends that were confessed Christians. I know we are not to judge, lest we ourselves be judged. I do know that we are permitted to "inspect fruit," as another pastor's wife so succinctly put it. All I can observe is how these individuals treat me, my family and others. I cannot look into their heart and mind to see whether or not their soul's anchor is in Christ, and I know with certainty that I am not better than them or anyone else. All I can do or say is that that their treatment and actions toward me and my family was not kind or biblical. That threw me for a loop, when we subscribe to the same faith, and all the ethics and values that entails.
This got me thinking about something else recently, the basics of Christianity. Call it Jesus 101. The two great commandments Christ gave, the second one being the golden rule. If people don't love themselves, how can they love others? I'm not talking about narcissistic dysfunction and over-inflated self love. I'm talking about basically liking themselves and being comfortable with themself. Have you ever been so unhappy with yourself that you obsessed and criticized many things about yourself or others? Maybe you haven't been that way but maybe you know someone else like that. The phrase low self esteem, is tossed around so much, but I am pausing and thinking about what those words really mean. Low self esteem rears its ugly head in a variety of ways. Some internalize and some externalize. If you don't treat yourself well how can you treat others well? I am realizing that some people are just not happy with themselves, on the most basic level. Their unhappiness seeps on to those around them, sometimes it's mild and sometimes it's brash, sometimes it's subtle and sometimes overty. Just my own thoughts as I work through life.
3 comments:
...it's my cup o tea. hard stuff to discuss, but o so necessary. I love you as a sister in Christ, willing to put yourself out there, so to speak. You are stronger for it. And, you edify the Body of Christ by it.
I'm so glad you were able to install those boundaries.
God bless your journey, always.
Thank you Ms. Amy. You always encourage me. Blessings to you as well~
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