The World’s A Mess, It’s In my Kiss

I really want to get out of this gloomy rut, but circumstances won’t permit. I heard some really bad news yesterday. Several notions are jangling around in my head. I am trying to sort them all out and find a common thread in which to tie them all together and communicate clearly my recent feelings about life, death, love, family, faith and the world we live in.


“…no one is united all things are untied…”
First of all let me just say, the holidays can really suck for some people. I normally don’t like to talk like that. I strive to be erudite, but frankly there are times when the basic slang just fits better than anything else. When there is loss or pain regarding loved ones, the holidays can amplify it. This is especially true when it’s the fresh and raw pain of a recent bereavement or any hurt of a similar nature. That brings me to the bad news. It happens that a cousin of some dear friends of ours, Marissa* has lost her beloved husband to a tragic overdose. She has two young children. I cannot stop thinking about her. In my life and in the ministry I have witnessed many similar tragedies. All I can say is that my heart simply breaks for Marissa and I can’t imagine what they must be going through. I also can’t help but think of the people in my own family who struggle with similar addictions, and frankly it concerns me.


“…perhaps we're boiling over inside…”
Admittedly, I was already a little blue from grieving over the anniversary of my Dad’s passing. I was grateful for small mercies that week. I ended up not having to do jury duty. That same week my brother had either a mini-breakdown or a relapse and was hospitalized. Coincidence? Then the holiday came. My emotions were a bittersweet mixed bag from spending time with some family, and not spending time with others and trying not to dwell on any of it too much.


“…there are devils in many ways…”
Then there is the world news. The StuffMart* employee trampled by customers eager to grab a bargain in the early morning hours on Black Friday.
The mental picture of a two-year old smeared in his parents’ blood and wailing inconsolably near their dead bodies in the terrorist attacks in Mumbai haunts me. Equally troubling is the vision in my mind of the Korean woman who phoned her husband while she was a hostage, and was later found dead in that same string of attacks. To top it all off Natalie Holloway was likely sold for $10 grand to a man whose plans for her I don’t even want to think about.


So, pardon me for not feeling like a Hallmark Card or a Norman Rockwell painting this year. This world and many families are hurting. Greed and hatred are running rampant as are every other kind of hideous illegal or immoral action.


What are we to do in this pitiful and terrible world? What are we to do about all of the hurt so many of us are going through? I know what I’m going to do. I’m not going to lose hope. The Bible says to not be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good. The ultimate good is Jesus Christ, and the work He did and the things He taught. Even if I don’t actively practice evil like the terrorists, rapists and other nefarious persons in this world, if I give into hopelessness, depression, inaction or isolation I am still letting evil win.


I’m also going to realize what the Bible means when it says the little foxes spoil the vines. That means that even “little” sins like a bit of greed, some harsh and undeserving words, selfishness (and the like) all have their end in spoiling that which is good and noble. Those “little” sinful acts are the first steps down a slippery slope that makes one more susceptible to being capable of doing the big sinful things.


I am also going to really count my blessings. In that counting I’m going to remember that our lives are fragile. We never know when the last time we see someone we love might be. All of these tragedies with such unexpected deaths have reminded me of that. I say that not so we live in mortal fear and constant dread. I say it because I’m using it to remind myself to be a little kinder and a little more patient. I’d like to be more unselfish and forgiving. Neither myself nor my family is perfect, but it is the family I have been given. When I weigh the sum of how we act and interact with the weight of eternity, I want to say that I did my best. By the help and grace of God, which is not just a saying to me but a fact and a prayer, I want to be able to examine myself and say that I loved them good.


"...take it like a man..."
I want to accept the reality of family life this year, and embrace it rather than obsess over it. This year our Thanksgiving table was set for seven. In years past it was at least double that! I will not try to obsess over why or what has changed with the family. I will remember the many good years and family times, realizing that change is an inevitable part of life. I will celebrate this season that our family is in, and enjoy it as it is, rather than pine for what it is not. That would be futile. I looked around that little table and realized those were the people I loved the most in this world. That’s not to say that I don’t love so many others as deeply. Rather those present are the ones I’m most closely tied to, for better and for worse. Yes, I said “for worse,” which is how it is sometimes with family. Sometimes it feels like the love is not always reciprocated. I’m realizing that the bond of family is strong, stronger than our individual weaknesses. I myself have many shortcomings. I am struggling to get this plank of wood out of my own eye, I would like to be my “brother’s keeper” as much as is healthy and possible.


O.K., then! Now that I wrote all that out, I find myself not feeling so gloomy.
King David often started his psalms with cries of dispair, asking for help in trouble. He ended them in faith-filled words of resolve because he knew God in His mercy would prevail. I will echo that!
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!*


Blessings~from e.b.


Song lyrics in red are from “The World’s A Mess, It’s In My Kiss” by X (the best Punk-Rock band ever)
*From Psalm 30

Memorial

In Loving Memory of F.C.D.
January 2, 1932 - November 17, 2000

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Rev. 21:3-4





The photo is of my Dad and I on my wedding day, it's one of my favorites. I picked the Bible verse because it comforts me, particularly in regards to this situation. I posted the Mills Brothers song because they were among my Dad's favorite musical artists. (Two other songs I considered posting, because they remind me of my Dad are Had A Dad by Jane's Addiction and I'll Be Seeing You, but I was looking for the version by Billie Holiday. The Mills Brothers seemed the best fit, I think my Dad would agree.) I can remember falling asleep to their records, as well as the Ink Spots, during the summers of my childhood. My dad would have the old cabinet stereo playing the records in the house. He ran a cord and a speaker out to the porch where he, my mom and their friends would be sipping martinis, chatting and laughing. Perhaps even playing cards, probably Pinochle. I remember feeling happy and secure. That was life back then.

My Ironic Jury Duty

I was called for jury duty on the exact anniversary of my Dad’s death. Those of you that know me intimately know why this is ironic. Since I don’t believe in coincidence, I will be curious to see if there is some divine purpose in this. I thought to write more about this situation but I am feeling at a loss for words and somewhat vulnerable right now.


The thing is, I have always somewhat welcomed the idea of jury duty. I know everyone else complains about it, but I have been curious to participate at least once. I was only called one other time. I was excused because I was rather far along in a pregnancy.


So, I am thinking about these things, considering the implications, and wondering how it will turn out.

A Rare Political Post

I really didn't want to get into politics much on this blog. Two things happened today that made me change my mind, hence this post.

I saw Barbara West's interview question to Joe Biden today on the news and the consequential fallout. Then later this afternoon I was reading another blog, The Daily Weaving. I am not saying anything else, other than to urge you to read that blog entry and watch the interviews with Barbara West and Joe Biden, then think about it with an open mind.

Notes from the End of October

I have applied for a few jobs. We'll see what happens.


Our computer died, so I am only online sporadically for awhile now.


Our bank account was broken into and money stolen. Fraud stinks. The bank will cover but it still stinks.

I finally joined myspace, after fearing it for years. I must say I like it so far, and am looking forward to the prospect of staying in touch with some folks a bit more regularly, it's easy there. I found several nieces and nephews on there and I'm pleased about that!

The weather is markedly cooler. I am staying busy with ministry related activities and will update later.


Oh yes, and Kirisuto/Garra won the contest. She will be receiving her prize soon(er or later). Thanks to all (Amy! Preacher! Garra!) who commented and participated!

Baby-Man

I have noticed a certain personality characteristic some men have that I call “Baby Man.” I have observed people with this personality type in various ages, education levels and socio-economic backgrounds. These types of people can be especially challenging to deal with, and it’s especially tricky to rally round the women who love such men. The range of hurt and frustration these women display is nearly as potent as the other more aggressive kinds of marital dysfunction. Inevitably the wives are the ones who have to deal with and suffer from their attachment to these man-babies.


A “Baby-Man” is a grown man who acts like a child. Many of these men are delightful and charming, and other than this, they are good and likable fellows. Nobody is one-dimensional, and I realize that these guys have other qualities, they are more than their immaturity, but that is difficult to catch sight of after awhile. I am not talking about folks who have an off day where they indulge their inner-child or occasionally act childish. I am not talking about those who keep a child-like wonder with life, or even have some kid-like or fan-boy hobbies. My mom jokingly says, “Fellas don‘t start to mature until 30.” There’s a bit of truth in that notion, at least in our little sphere of experience, and guys I mean you no disrespect. Lord knows we women have our own issues. How many of us grew up together as we walked through married life? I know Big Daddy and I BOTH have.


I am talking about grown men who have responsibilities and commitments, yet consistently choose to act as selfishly and irresponsibly as if they were in middle school. Have you run into the type? They flit from one job to another, each time claiming the next one is the one that’s really their calling in life. They claim the reasons their previous jobs and schemes didn’t work out is due to some other factor or person. The economy went bad, their boss or co-worker had it in for them, or some other explanation that is difficult to believe because year after year, it’s the same old story. Whereas some people learn from their past mistakes, growing and making gradual improvements, these people refuse to accept responsibility and make necessary changes. They stay stuck in adolescent fantasy. When describing their latest plan/job/etc., they have all the zeal of a spoiled adolescent boy describing and selling the latest gaming system to his parents in hopes they will buy it for him soon. That includes explaining how lame the previous one has become.


Their wives or partners suffer the fall out of a life in constant upheaval. They move often or change jobs often or often have troubles due to the baby-man’s short attention span and his constant appetite for another toy to play with or another distraction to occupy him. Often it leads to debt or bad credit. Unfortunately that appetite can often include infidelity - which is the ultimate betrayal these poor women suffer. Yet somehow, the Baby-Men always seem to garner sympathy from their partners because of the off balanced thing in their relationships.


What is that thing?


I’m guessing that often their wives’ or partner’s nurturing instinct overrides her wifely sensibilities. Women can naturally be more nurturing than men, and these kinds of guys use that to their advantage. If a wife were to really think about it, it’s kind of lame, un-sexy and un-natural to fall into a mothering dynamic with a husband. We are to take our vows seriously, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, honoring and cherishing each other. In healthy relationships, certainly that includes caring for each other and nurturing each other. These kinds of men are masters at taking that notion and running with it until it breaks any semblance of a caring, mature relationship and warp it into a life where they have a mama that caters to their every whim, indulges them like a spoiled child and sleeps with them. If she's not actually catering to her Man-Baby's whims, she's putting up with it, running flusteredly around cleaning up the messes the way a busy mom runs after an active and impish toddler.


When the Man-Boys don’t get their way, they make life miserable for their partner, and I frequently observe them employing the techniques I see children employ to get their way: Tantrums, running away, manipulation, bargaining, and pouting. At other times they are on their best behavior, this happens when they are wanting something or after they get caught doing something bad and they’re trying to make up for it. These Baby-Men remind me of that old Judy Brady essay, but I believe these men go much, much further. That essay was written in the early 1970s. Oh how the dynamics of relationships have changed since then! Our culture has changed as well, some things for better and some for worse. Many of the men I’ve encountered with this personality type are not the career-minded man of Brady’s essay. They shun work and school! They seem to want to sit around as much as possible and pay video games (or some other hobby) to excess, in that their families actually suffer financially or in other ways because of that. The first person they cater to in life, the person who’s utmost comfort is their primary concern is not their children or their wife, it‘s themselves.


I have often thought of the very plain and harsh words of St. Paul, here, regarding men who won’t care for their own. Isn’t real love* about each partner putting the other one first? Some very satisfying and happy marriages have been built on that notion. I know I read somewhere a beautiful saying about “love being patient* and kind, not jealous or boastful or proud or rude and it does not demand its own way.”


So what can these women who are partnered to baby men do? I know a few of them have successfully encouraged their man-babies to grow up. It wasn’t always easy for them, but they found boundaries they could live with and set them. I believe the Lord would have us spur each other on to be better people and when we see serious character flaws, they must be addressed and dealt with. “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” It’s time to grow up!


*Sorry, i'm stuck on that song and threw it in.
*the love chapter

A Brown-Eyed American Girl Looks at 40

What can I say? I wanted to write something clever, insightful and funny about my milestone. But you know me. So, this will be more like a whining journal entry from an overgrown emo kid. I thank God I made it this far. I feel my 40 years and I’m at peace with them right now. When I was about 32 or so, I kind of freaked out a little. I suppose if you would have asked me then I would have said, I can’t see myself at thirty, I don’t want a lacquered thirty...Jefferson I think we're lost. I was overweight, unhappy about some things. My hair was getting more gray. For several years I had this single gray hair that grew in the same place and I could just pluck it out. Then came multiple gray hairs. I got highlights which was nice, they camouflaged the gray, until the day my hairdresser overdid it and fried my hair. I let it grow out and have not had it done since. Back then I even began to lie about my age, shaving off a few years. Can you believe it? A pastor’s wife lying about her age, well you know I didn’t get away with that nonsense for long. Then something happened, I began to consciously just try be happy with myself. OK, I wasn’t hard on other people who were chubby, flustered or fill-in-the-blank. So why was I so hard on myself? Yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds, but until I do, I am not going to beat myself up over it. It’s sort of like the Serenity Prayer, I was changing the things I could, accepting the things I couldn’t and beginning to seek the Lord for the wisdom to know the difference in it all. So I’m counting my blessings. I’ve had a good life so far. I was adopted by wonderful parents, I was given up for adoption by wonderful parents. I feel like I had a really happy childhood and not everyone can say that. I found a excellent man. He’s an honorable husband and a darn good father. We have our ups and downs, but overall I feel like we might be hitting our stride, and that feels pretty good. I have three children that are the absolute cat’s pajamas. I’m happy with my life. I’m still overweight, I’m still not quite the productive artist I’d like to be, but I know that I have been blessed and I know who has sent those blessings my way. Really, that is the key. Before I had a spiritual awakening, conversion, whatever you want to call it, I had no lasting peace or happiness in my life. Since that conversion, my faith, hope and trust are in Jesus Christ and that has made a difference for me. So I thank God for these 40 years and ask Him to help me live another 40 or so, and be a reflection of some of His goodness while He gives me the time. Some days I still feel like the scared and confused 14 year old who stood alone on her balcony listening to cars roll by, down on 441, like waves crashing on the beach (on US 1, really, I could hear the waves and the cars). How many desperate moments did I have then? Other days I feel like singing, Sha la la la....Sha la la la La dee da! One thing for sure I do not feel like an over forty victim of fate. Pardon me for sounding like a cliché, sometimes the lights all shining on me, other times I can barely see, lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it’s been. I think what I realize more and more now, is just how little I do know, how much more I’d like to learn and do, and when my time is up, will my Heavenly Father be happy with what I’ve done? Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.


*for the first person to correctly name all the song lyrics and artists I referenced in the above post, there will be a free prize, a little peice of original art from yours truly. répondez s'il vous plaît.