Thoughts on the extended family - Journal Entry

Original source Photo by Robert Tadlock. Used with permission.

When the deep melancholy of my soul demands my full attention. Lick this wound, it says, pick this scab. Wallow and whine. You have been hurt, it says. What hurts the most is seeming to be forgotten, not even missed. In retrospect, not forgotten, perhaps more like disregarded. For a long time I missed the family relationships I once had. I poured love into them because I liked them, loved them. I gave my hospitality and my heart. I helped them when they needed it, gave them a place to stay, showed them around tried, tried, tried like heck to build a family. Sometimes when they stepped on my toes I ignored it, because I had a hard time standing up for myself. I also feel everyone should have an occasional pass or two when they behave badly, so long as it's rare not habitual. When they kept stepping on my toes I finally had to say something. Ouch! That hurts could you please not do it again? I guess they like to step wherever they like with no regard to the toes of others, because when I mentioned it, they shut me out shut me down. And no matter what efforts I made to smooth things over and rebuild a relationship, to this day we remain estranged. And even from afar, when I have established a safe distance, they seem to continue to find ways to step on toes. I must conclude that they like stepping on people's toes. Why?
from 7/29/2011

The Test Came and Went

I'm not saying I'm there yet. I'm just saying that I'm doing better. I have been pretty exuberant lately because I have just been feeling so productive, making time to do my little drawings, and feeling good about it and proud of myself. Everything is going fairly well. Not that it's all roses and sunshine, but it's pretty darn OK. It's easier to keep up with the positive steps I'm taking in my life when things are like this. But we all know life is not always easy, and of course, I was due for a storm. I got a double whammy of bad and troubling news other day. Without going into detail, one of the situations is very sad and worrisome, and the other is something that frankly ticked me off. I think both situations will be ongoing, and are far from being resolved. In the past I would find a way of avoiding, and not being productive. I would stew and steam as I obsessed over the problems or bad news. Instead I sat at my drafting table and drew and listened to music and cried. But it was OK. (I'm not emo, I'm peri-menopausal.) I kept up my life and my routine, I prayed (of course!), I did the opposite of what I used to do when I was a dried up co-dependent sad sack with a clutter-procrastination-creative block problem. So the test came and went and I passed. By God's grace, I passed. Because I sure could not do it on my own.

Spider Bait

I think I have been bitten by a spider. I have sensitive skin and mild allergic reactions to all types of bug bites, among other things -even some soaps. Anyway, I am treating it with home remedies, and it is not getting any worse. Some online sites have been most helpful in that, though some of the pictures make me cringe. One of the benefits of the internet is that such information is so readily available, but you do have to be careful while sifting through all the information that is out there.

When I was in my late teens I was bitten by a brown recluse spider and that was not fun, and took quite a while to heal, under a doctor's care. This spider bite (or whatever it is) does not seem to be as bad, though it does have some similar characteristics.

Adam has taken to calling me "Spider Bait." I have been humming "The Spiderbite Song" and though I'm uncomfortable, I am not worried. I posted another spider song above, for your amusement. The Toy Dolls are a fine old-school punk band, they are fun. Enjoy.


So, do spiders scare you silly and make you cringe? When I first see a spider, it startles me a little bit, but I am not particularly terrified of them. I think they are very useful animals, they kill many other bugs that are much bigger nuisances, and seem to stay away from us humans, for the most part. I must admit that I am not thrilled at the thought of one crawling on me, presumably as I slept, though I'm not exactly sure where and when it happened.

If I Don't Play Piano, Sing In the Choir or Teach Sunday School What Do I Do?

Is it selfish that I am not completely immersing myself in ministry and related things here at the new church? What I am immersing myself in is getting back into creative and other interests of mine. However, I find myself feeling a little bit of guilt. I became a Christian sometime in 1993 and followed right along side my husband as he received a calling on his life; accepted it and held various ministry positions (as did I) and ultimately he became a pastor. During that time I felt like my main focus in life was family first, and then always something to do with ministry, and I loved it. I just feel that I am in a different mode right now. I have felt a growing conviction over the years that it was time to use whatever artistic talent I had as a ministry of sorts before I got any older. (Use it or lose it, baby!) So here I am. I have not done anything much as the Pastor’s Wife, and don’t plan to until I’m absolutely sure God has called me to it. I do feel sure God has called me to start doing art again, and so I will. I’m not sure where that will lead and how it will go but I’m glad to do it. I look at our other ministry friends and read the blogs of other Christians and see how on fire they are and how focused they are on being missional, outreaching, with missions to inner cities and/or other countries, being prayer warriors, evangelizers, etc., and I wonder about myself. Am I missing it? Did I get burnt out and grow so cool I can't or won't do my part to be God's hand of mercy extended? It seems so selfish to do something that isn’t direct spiritual warfare or for the greater good of others. Of course I can always do both creative things and ministry things and there will be times where that blends and overlaps. It’s just that now I feel a time to pause from the one to reclaim the other, if that makes sense. So, that is what I am reflecting on these days.
If I Don't Play Piano, Sing In the Choir or Teach Sunday School What Do I Do? Draw, paint, plan, cut, paste, photograph…