Work Space - Before & After

Part of my problem is that when my family went through what it went through, I chose a coping mechanism that is no longer helping me cope and certainly isn't productive. I have really been trying to break through and overcome that, and I cannot stress enough that it's by God's grace and help. This is my story and He's an essential part of it, so I cannot shy away from that aspect. If you aren't a Christian and are reading this, just bear with me and maybe I can explain it. Many people believe in coincidences but I do not, I believe they are "God things" - something He sends your way to get your attention. It can be a gentle reminder OR a kick in the butt to get on the path you're supposed to be on. God sent me these messages variously and in other ways, but the three that apply to what I am thinking about today are my being introduced to The Artist's Way, Geninne's Art Blog and the TV show Clean House. These are tools and things that woke me up and got me moving when I was finally ready to change.

I have always been a bit messy. When I was going through situations with my family, my father's sad and unfair circumstances, the raging and erratic addiction(s) of other loved ones and all the pain and turmoil these circumstances caused, I was trying to cope and be strong on the outside. My messiness got out of control. On the inside I was hurting, and as best as I can see it from my own armchair psychological diagnosis, I let the interior of my home just grow with clutter and messiness that was sort of a manifestation of all the confusion and mess I felt about the situations that were hurting me. But I could always clean up my home, I could not clean up any of the messes that my family was in, those were beyond my control.


I still mopped, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, generally kept house, but I let stacks of things pile up and overtake areas of my home. I also couldn't part with things, no matter how unsentimental, or unusable they were. I had a 'I might need it someday' mentality. You can imagine how I did not part with sentimental and personal things if I was holding on so strongly to the unsentimental things. I never refused anything people gave me, whether or not I liked it or could use it. It was one of my ways of avoiding things within myself, because I couldn't let myself take the time to do art or anything 'for me' if my house needed serious attention. There is a hierarchy of things that need tending to in my life. The house came after my family, and I don't need to tell you that there is always plenty to do to take care of family first. Then of course, we are in the ministry, so any type of ministry and doing good for others ought to come before anything I might want to pursue. My little mania and foolishness (as Neicy on Clean House calls it) became crystal clear when I moved here, and was on a steady (albeit slow) path of emerging from this stuff that was blocking me. I set up an art space in my room and repeatedly began to let thing pile up on and in front of it rather than use it. I was blocking myself.



I still struggle, I'm not going to say otherwise. I thank God I am not where I used to be, even though I am not exactly where I'd like to be. I'd like to be as productive as someone like, say Geninne (see above link) or my friend E. who is a working jewelry artist. I used to let my dissatisfaction over what I was not doing paralyze me from what positive steps, however small, I was actually taking. Now I celebrate the small victories and don't agonize over the setbacks in the same unproductive way. I still have a long way to go, but I want to show today how things are. Things are looking up.

Hot Messes, Nonsense and Foolishness

I am a fan of the TV show Clean House, which runs on the Style network. The premise of the show is this: A family who is bogged down by clutter and messiness either nominates themselves or is nominated by a friend or family member to have their house cleaned up by the show’s crew. The Clean House crew comes in and cleans and reorganizes - getting rid of many old things and re-decorating a few rooms. What struck me so strongly when I began watching the show is how many people are tied to their things. I was amazed by how people knew they needed help with their mess, their homes were quite out of control. Yet they would often cling so tightly and be so reluctant to let go of things that were clearly of no use to them anymore. Some things were dirty, worn out, old. Some things represented a time in their life that was long past, and sometimes even painful. Many are things that are in good shape but no longer used by the people possessing them. Yet they stubbornly cling to them and refuse to let go. The spiritual implications are there. I could preach a little sermon on that, but that’s not what I’m going to talk about today. What I am going to talk about is how much I am like those people on the show, and have been carrying around clutter for the past 18 years. By the help and grace of God I am learning to get rid of it. Why do I have to have these things? I am beginning to get to the root of it. I have an old sewing machine that is in a huge cabinet, it is in great condition. My Father gave it to my Mother as a gift in the late 70’s or early 80’s. She barely used it, but we toted it across the country with us when we moved. When my Dad purchased it, it was the top of the line model with all the bells and whistles. Years later my parents found themselves in difficult times and they lost many of their possessions. But one year my Dad made a point of giving me the sewing machine because I was creative and liked to play around with it when I was a girl. In like manner he & my Mom gave my brother their expensive Kitchen Aid mixer because he was a chef. Soon after they gave these things I took a sewing class, but truthfully I barely used the thing. My Mother-In-Law, who visits me once a year uses it more than me. She has helped us make church banners, she made baby bedding sets for her grandbabies and curtains for her children’s homes with it when she visited. I would have liked to have used it. I always thought and planned to use it in the future, but guess what? I never did. A few weeks ago on the HCBB a member posted about wanting to buy a used sewing machine for a friend who was a very gifted and productive seamstress. I was shamed, because for the first time it dawned on me that I was holding on to something I don’t use or need and someone who could be fabulous with it, could be and should be using it! I am actually being selfish. I am actually just as bad as the people on Clean House who befuddle me! Same goes with baby and kids clothes that I tend to hold on to, but have been gradually getting better at giving away over the years. When my oldest was a baby we were so financially strapped and were blessed to receive many gifts of clothes and many wonderful hand-me-downs. If those generous people were as manically tied to their children’s old things as I was, our child wouldn’t have had all the necessary clothing. How can I hold on to outgrown clothes when there are other children who might need them so badly? I can’t anymore. It seems so crazy and senseless, but it was easier for me to see it in other people than in myself. I think I was so tied to these types of things because I tend to have a sentimental, melancholy personality. I also inherited some pack-rat tendencies from my parents. I also think that the sewing machine was a gift from my Dad and I felt like I would somehow dishonor his memory by giving away a gift from him. The sewing machine also somewhat symbolized the good and prosperous times in his and my mom’s life. But really, I think my Dad would be happier to see me travelin’ light, and as generous as he was, to see someone else put it to good use. So, thanks to the Good Lord for showing me that my nonsense and foolishness was just as bad as the people who stunned me on Clean House. And thanks to the Clean House cast for making the show so entertaining, funny, helpful and insightful.