Black Sheep, a biography of sorts, part 1

"There's a lot of things about me you don't know anything about...things you wouldn't understand, things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand. You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner... a rebel."

The above quote is from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and for me it has always been somewhat of a signature. *I think* am all of those things (except that I am a girl not a guy) wrapped up into one kind of nerdy, geeky person. If you know about Pee-Wee Herman, then you know he is not what your mind conjures up when you first think, "REBEL." The Sons of Anarchy are rebels, the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse is a rebel, those are some dangerous characters. James Dean, Marlon Brando, Cyndi Lauper, Jane Fonda, Patti Smith, Dorothy Parker - all pop-culture rebels of one kind or another (we're not talking Che Guevara, MLK or Ceasar Chavez here). I was never that cool, (or that righteous). I concede I was a little cool, just a tad, as my Mom would say, not about my coolness but when she wanted a little more martini from the shaker, or a little more lasagna from a pan. I was never the coolest person you knew, or I knew. Anyway, I'm writing about this because I read and entry called The Parable of the Black Sheep over on the Tamara Out Loud blog and she ended with the question, "Have you ever felt like the black sheep?" (Girl, don't get me started!) "Where have you found people or places that you fit in?" She got me started. Rather than hijack her replies I felt like elucidating (Read: BLATHERING on) about this subject because it's one of those journaling and working through my stuff things, and after all, that's why I started this little corner of the internet. So here this goes, it's long it's personal and it just might bore you to tears, and believe it or not, this is the edited down version.

Why do I think I'm a black sheep, loner and rebel? I just don't feel like I have ever fully fit in anywhere. For starters, I was adopted. So, from the very beginning of my life I was a little different from everyone else among my family, friends and peers. Other people made some kind of note of that fact, usually positive, and my parents always made me feel special, loved and wanted. They were a wee bit older than most of my friends' parents, another distinction, but not radically so. I was blessed with great parents. They sent me to very good schools and provided for my brother and I many good things, experiences and lessons. I'm just talking now of the factors in my life that I believe contributed to my being different but believe me, my life was far from negative.

A couple of years ago it dawned on me how often we moved as my Dad climbed a corporate ladder and followed his career path. I lived in three different states, I went to eight different schools, lived in five different houses and three different condominiums. We also had a small and cozy summer place near a lake in Pennsylvania, which became a blissful haven for me as one unchanging little nook in the midst of all our moves. I had a good friend that lived nearby, and plenty of woods and the lake to explore. It was a favorite place until my family finally sold it. Our many moves took place all through my schooling years (kindergarten-high school). I was the new kid more times than I care to remember. I never really fully fit in, though I did make some good friends along the way, but people already had established friendships before I came along to whatever school, neighborhood or group. And they had those same kinds of friendships after I moved away, and when you move away, no matter how good your intentions, contact tapers off and the close relationships aren't quite the same, and that's also true of my extended family.

I began acting out in my pre-teen and teen years, some of that could have been from the moves, but I can't say for sure. Some of it was due to other darker things that I don't need to go into, but those things had an affect on me. I was sort of a poor little rich girl, or more accurately a poor little upper middle class girl. I began getting into the usual troubling things that sidetrack or derail teenagers, looking for some kind of comfort. I can see now in retrospect it was a spiritual search within me as well, but at the time I didn't realize that. It was also that garden variety teen angst that hits almost all of us in some form, along with the colliding of the culture and politics of the day: growing up, waking up, flexing the muscles of independence and person-hood. I fell in love with music even more, and found some comfort and solace within the heavy metal and punk rock genres that were emerging in sight of my affluent middle class radar.

Then I found the hardcore music scene of the early-to-mid-80s. That was definitely one of the places where I felt I fit in better than anywhere else. By the time I got to my 3rd and final high school, I was the first person with a notable punk rock look. At the time, that school was in a semi-rural, agricultural area of the state. So I was not lovingly embraced by the locals. I spent the previous semester at another high school on the east coast, and it was a dreadful time for me, in some ways a rock bottom. Right before that I went to school in the San Francisco Bay Area of California. I loved and missed that place, but mainly my old life there and some very dear friends. It was a difficult time for me with that move.

In my new school, it was culture shock for me (and them). I was no Lisbeth Salander-style punked-outcast by any stretch, but I was odd and different for that time and that place. I was treated with some disdain by all but a handful of people, at first. Things did get better though. I made some friends - and even found some that embraced punk, together we discovered the hardcore scene and a larger group of punk/hardcore people from various high schools around our county and the neighboring ones, I found a little niche for awhile. That's probably where I felt most "at home" but I still was kind of an outsider, a late-comer, and never 100% fitting in. I was the weird girl who liked Fleetwood Mac and Black Flag, I remember catching a little flack for it. I think living near beautiful San Francisco for several impressionable years, and the 70s era I grew up in, probably influenced this huge soft spot I have for hippy culture and values - and I lean that way in some respects. That was a little incompatible with some aspects of the hardcore scene at the time. Remember - punk and hardcore were a reaction to the kind of music, lifestyle and ideas that came before each respective genre. Hardcore itself was a reaction to punk, but you didn't come here for a mini-music history lesson (or did you?). Back then, punk and hardcore music were the antithesis of hippy music culture. My Allman Bros. affection and Stevie Nicks admiration were under wraps when I ran with certain crowds, except with the most trusted and open-minded of friends.
to be continued...