The Upside of Obesity

From
Venus de Milo to
Venus of Willendorf...
but happier? How can that be?
First let me say that I have always made an effort to not judge or have any type of prejudice against overweight people. This is because I came from a family that had some large people in it and I loved them very much. It made me angry when people would make fun of their size, it hurt. In the interest of full disclosure though, I ought to tell that I did participate in calling my one of my Catholic Elementary School Principals Sister Buffalo-Butt. That was not so much a commentary on her size as it was my overall disdain for her.

Well, it's one thing to love your fat family and friends and to sincerely reassure them that you love and appreciate them for all that they are. It's another thing when you are the fat one. Weight is difficult and complicated to change, I used to hear on the radio, it's not about what you're eating but what's eating you - meaning there are psychological and emotional issues going on in most cases. The people that really love and accept you are few and far between, I discovered. People are less inclined to talk to you, and you get treated differently. Crass people who do not fight fair, will be happy use 'fat' in a curse ridden slur against you if you confront them because their kid or their dog did something s/he/it should not have. Then there are the subtly mean people who never miss a chance to get in a nicely placed veiled insult.

Once upon a time we rented a beach condo for a family vacation, while longing by the pool two women had a conversation. I was one of them:

Size 22 me to my "friend": That's a very pretty bathing suit, you look nice.

Size 12/14 "friend": Oh THIS? I'm so fat I shouldn't even be wearing a bathing suit.

I was stunned by my callus friend. If you can imagine saying the above statement to a person who is roughly twice your size and also in a bathing suit, you are a jerk and you need to learn how to love yourself and others and get some real manners. It seems like to me the happier and more at peace I became with myself, the more I realized I didn't have to put up with mean people like my above friend. It had taken me years but I was beginning to see that friend in a true light, and these sorts of comments were rather typical. She was not very supportive of me - the real me. She herself was very unhappy about various things in her life. I always tried to encourage her - she was a budding, self-taught musician* often down on herself because she married young, never finished high school and seemed to feel stuck at times in an unhappy marriage. Today she has a very good local following, and I am glad to have been a positive voice in her life, I tried very hard to never belittle her in any way, but to affirm her. Finally, I had to limit my contact with her because the positivity was one sided.

You know the old saying that when you go through hard times you discover who your real friends are? Well, I think gaining the weight also revealed my real friends and my superficial friends. These changes taught me something.

When my friend Chris began writing his blog about his plan to get fit and lose weight, it made me want to explore some positives about being overweight. Yes, you read that correctly. Is there anything good about being overweight? Not very much, the negative health aspect is serious and substantial. But I try to look for the positives in everything and I believe with all of my rather small, fractured and sometimes stony heart, that God will allow you to glean some good even if you find yourself obese. Like Chris, I am also not nearly as thin as I was back when we were punk kids. I have been meeting very slow and steady goals toward permanent and healthy changes regarding my weight, lifestyle and exercise. One good thing I think I have learned by being overweight is to try and have more compassion on people. I am realizing that people are so much more than their appearance, or even one dimension or aspect of themselves, if that makes sense. Another realization is I have discovered I love myself now more than ever. That's a very odd thing for me to even write, it seems so self-absorbed to write it. When I have a healthy view of myself, I am of better service to others, and my faith is all about service. It seems I could accept anyone else but myself. I am not fixated on my every flaw. When I was younger, thinner and what many would consider prettier, I realize how much time and energy I wasted back then on internal worry and dissatisfaction. I might look fat and ugly to some people on the outside, but on the inside I am very happy with myself and my life. I just couldn't say that before. I am grateful for the health I do have, and for the miles I've put on this body. It seems as if when I finally decided to not worry and obsess over my weight, and just accept myself and make the best of how I was I became free of the trouble of it. Who knew that just a change in my own attitude toward myself, namely the resolve to not even think about my weight, would lead to my actually losing weight?

I had no problem loving and accepting my heavy loved ones, but I had a hard time taking it easy on myself when I was at my heaviest, but with time and God's grace I believe I have changed. I make a very concentrated effort now to keep the negative people in my life limited. Those kinds of people are never truly supportive or loving, they are like furniture with an nice polished veneer, but once the surface has been scratched with them, you find that things are not as nice underneath, and there isn't any way to repair the scratch unless you take drastic measures. I have found that most people don't want that kind of a relationship - where iron truly sharpens iron and people really work through their issues with one another honestly. I'm ready for genuine and solid things now, within myself and in significant friendships. My philosophy is: Be happy, truly happy with who and what you are. If you're not happy to the point of real distraction, then do something about it. But if you're not willing to do something about it, then find a way occupy and enjoy as-is, at least until you can find the motivation, or until you become at peace with it.

If anyone else out there can relate - have you learned any lessons about yourself and others if/when you went through a health problem or weight gain? Could you find an upside to your situation?

'de Milo' photo by avrenim_acceber
'Willendorf' photo by Lisby1