Work Space - Before & After

Part of my problem is that when my family went through what it went through, I chose a coping mechanism that is no longer helping me cope and certainly isn't productive. I have really been trying to break through and overcome that, and I cannot stress enough that it's by God's grace and help. This is my story and He's an essential part of it, so I cannot shy away from that aspect. If you aren't a Christian and are reading this, just bear with me and maybe I can explain it. Many people believe in coincidences but I do not, I believe they are "God things" - something He sends your way to get your attention. It can be a gentle reminder OR a kick in the butt to get on the path you're supposed to be on. God sent me these messages variously and in other ways, but the three that apply to what I am thinking about today are my being introduced to The Artist's Way, Geninne's Art Blog and the TV show Clean House. These are tools and things that woke me up and got me moving when I was finally ready to change.

I have always been a bit messy. When I was going through situations with my family, my father's sad and unfair circumstances, the raging and erratic addiction(s) of other loved ones and all the pain and turmoil these circumstances caused, I was trying to cope and be strong on the outside. My messiness got out of control. On the inside I was hurting, and as best as I can see it from my own armchair psychological diagnosis, I let the interior of my home just grow with clutter and messiness that was sort of a manifestation of all the confusion and mess I felt about the situations that were hurting me. But I could always clean up my home, I could not clean up any of the messes that my family was in, those were beyond my control.


I still mopped, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, generally kept house, but I let stacks of things pile up and overtake areas of my home. I also couldn't part with things, no matter how unsentimental, or unusable they were. I had a 'I might need it someday' mentality. You can imagine how I did not part with sentimental and personal things if I was holding on so strongly to the unsentimental things. I never refused anything people gave me, whether or not I liked it or could use it. It was one of my ways of avoiding things within myself, because I couldn't let myself take the time to do art or anything 'for me' if my house needed serious attention. There is a hierarchy of things that need tending to in my life. The house came after my family, and I don't need to tell you that there is always plenty to do to take care of family first. Then of course, we are in the ministry, so any type of ministry and doing good for others ought to come before anything I might want to pursue. My little mania and foolishness (as Neicy on Clean House calls it) became crystal clear when I moved here, and was on a steady (albeit slow) path of emerging from this stuff that was blocking me. I set up an art space in my room and repeatedly began to let thing pile up on and in front of it rather than use it. I was blocking myself.



I still struggle, I'm not going to say otherwise. I thank God I am not where I used to be, even though I am not exactly where I'd like to be. I'd like to be as productive as someone like, say Geninne (see above link) or my friend E. who is a working jewelry artist. I used to let my dissatisfaction over what I was not doing paralyze me from what positive steps, however small, I was actually taking. Now I celebrate the small victories and don't agonize over the setbacks in the same unproductive way. I still have a long way to go, but I want to show today how things are. Things are looking up.

A Smile & A Warning

I Cake Wrecks. Do you know a monkey couple? Lucky.
~
'A Warning' sounds so stern did I get your attention? This is really just a reminder because I've had some new readers lately. I began this blog as part of my writing exercises (called the morning pages) from the book The Artist's Way. That is why my writing here is often very self-reflective and journal-ish. I recently read that there is nothing more "irritating than a woman who's getting her groove back." That's me - getting my groove back and being irritating to many, and hopefully endearing to a few, you know who you are *wink*. I knew when I read the title to the book "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" many years ago, that a light bulb went on in me. I knew that is what I finally had to do, though not by going on a trip to Jamaica and by canoodling with a fine young man. My groove is different. This blog journal is part of that.

Good Words and an Ode to a Punk

Have you ever had a few words or a conversation with someone that stuck with you, like forever? Those words that pass between us, particularly when we're young, are the words that shape us in various ways. They can be positive or negative words.

Since I began embarking on this artist's journey to recover my creativity a couple of years ago, I have thought much about that. In part because of an exercise in The Artist's Way. Today I am writing about positive conversations that blessed me and stayed with me. I am going to dwell on those good words in honor of a long lost acquaintance whom I only recently discovered had passed away.

V.Z. and I ran around with the same extended group of crazy punk friends sometime during our teens. I can't remember exactly how and where we met. I knew his little sister and hung out with her a bit. We had some other mutual friends. I remember him as a crazy (in a good way) fun-loving guy. Zany antics are what I recall about V.Z.

One night many of us were hanging out and having fun out by a bonfire in a semi-secluded, semi-wooded area. People were coming and going, laughing and running around. If my hazy middle-aged memory serves, it might have been a wooded area that was being cleared for yet another subdivision in Florida. Anyway, that's not important.

I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, just that there was a lot of crazy frolicking and carousing going on, and we were probably having a joking or lighthearted conversation. What's important is that for a few brief minutes V.Z. and I were alone by the fire, and he looked at me and said, "You're not a dumb-dumb girl, are you? You're smart." How do you answer something like that. I was a little stunned.

I had been labeled a 'dumb blonde' in my early teens, and though my hair was darkening over the years, the term stuck. I really struggled with a certain subject in school, and there were circumstances in my home life and past that also contributed to my less than stellar self-esteem. At that time I waffled between teenage rebellion and just doing and acting in ways that I thought people expected me to act because I thought it was easier than being myself. I was so shy and insecure, and I tried to hide that various ways but I was growing, really starting to think for myself and be true to myself. Still, that was somewhat hazy, because I was quite young. Somehow that very small conversation with V.Z. encouraged me. It was like a little light went on amid the b.s. and subterfuge of teen angst and insecurity. Those new muscles I was flexing didn't go noticed by V.Z., he noticed a sliver of the real me and reacted positively and I knew he wasn't trying to scam* me either.

Looking back now, I think that conversation was like a compass, and in a small way, helped me move into a better direction. V.Z. was a good kid when I knew him, may God rest his soul. Thanks for the kind words V, I hope you are resting in peace and rejoicing with God in heaven.

"May the force be with him always."

What I've Been Reading

Somebody on a message board asked, "What are you currently reading?"

I am doing the Bible in a year plan that I linked to in a previous post. I am currently in the books of Acts, Joshua and Job. I am delighted and amazed how the chapters I’m reading seem to be so apropos to something that is going on in my day or week, or somehow relate to some question I’ve had.

I just finished Heart To Heart with Pastors’ Wives by Lynne Dugan, and added A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce to my bag. Those are two books I’ve had around my home for years and years now. I have even picked them up a time or two, but never finished them. My plan is to finally read through the books I’ve collected before I borrow or buy another!

I have also begun (again and in earnest!) the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I have been doing my journaling as part of that book’s exercises, and in addition I have been sketching regularly in my sketchbook. This is a HUGE step for me personally, in overcoming the artist’s block I have been in for so long. I am so hopeful and pleased about this. Someone recently blessed and surprised me with a set of art pencils and other various supplies. God bless them! I have been putting them to productive use.

You might think it’s odd that I am reading two or three books at a time, in addition to a few Bible chapters. I never used to operate that way. I used to read one book until it was finished, often quickly if it was of interest to me, and then begin another. This new way of reading a couple at a time is helpful for my current condition. I like to read a ministry related or Christian theology type of book, and then a fiction or non-fiction book. I read a chapter or two at a time in each book. When I find myself a little bored, distracted, perplexed or even needing to ponder something in one book, it’s helpful to switch gears to another book. I keep a big tote bag with me, with my books, including the journal and sketchbook, and when something I read gives me an idea or an inspiration I can jot it down or draw it out. I am ready to make a note so I can study something I have a question about more in depth later.

I am trying to surrender myself more fully to the Lord in the areas of art, study, prayer and discipline. It is only by God’s grace I can do any of this. I was (and am) so sick of the procrastination and disorganization that plagued me for so long, I have been yielding to the Lord and trying to do better. I have been blessed with some quiet time on my job where I am able to read a little, and been making baby steps toward this end. So that is what I have been reading. What have you been reading?