Real Mom

Now that is a cute and funny photo, but it got me thinking of a subject that is very close and important to my heart: Adoption. I would also like to take this opportunity to remind you that November is National Adoption month, with National Adoption Day falling on November 19th, see here.

I always bristle a little at the term "real mom" and I will explain why. I am adopted, and when many people find that out, they ask me if I know my real mom. Once in a while they say "real parents" but 97% of the time it's the mom they're the most curious about. It's natural to be curious and I know that people mean no disrespect when they say "real" parent. Here is how my reply goes:

Well, I actually consider the parents that raised me to be my "real parents" because they are the ones that were there every day of my life for all the colds and fevers, scraped knees, school plays, graduations, etc. If you mean do I know my biological parents, the answer is no. Though I do have a HUGE amount of affection and respect for them and their unselfish decision to give me up for adoption, I have never met them.

My parents had a very organic approach to the disclosure of adoption, and I simply recall always knowing I was adopted, it was never revealed to me at a certain age or anything like that. One of the dearest people in my life, my first babysitter Nan* says that my parents had these adoption storybooks, and when she'd babysit me, she'd read them and cry because it was so touching. I vaguely remember those books. My parents tried for children for about 10 years thorough various biological and medical means, and then the lengthy adoption process, so they were elated when they finally were able to adopt me and then my little brother.

Lately my two younger children, Calvin* (age 8) and Flora* (age 12) have been asking questions about my real mom. After doing my real mom spiel two times, I had a little epiphany and used Our Boy* that darn dog that they love so much. (The above picture reminded me of all this.) I asked Calvin and Flora, "Who is OurBoy's real family? Is it your old friend Sarah who's pet dog had the litter OurBoy came from? Or is it us, who adopted him when he was a little puppy and have been with him, taking care of him ever since? This drove the point of adoption home for them and helped them understand the distinction between biological and adoptive and what is "real." I mean to say that both are "real" but I believe it is important to make that distinction and give each kind of parent, both biological and adoptive, the proper respect and position within the life of the adoptee. Being a parent takes a great amount of unselfish love, I am blessed to say that I have experienced that kind love in some very special ways, through the woman who decided to give me up, and through the parents who took me in. Both kinds of parents are real. Whomever fulfilled the role of parent, in the day to day, year to year, decade to decade reality of life, well, to me that is actual and real in a way that makes biology, with all due respect, a smaller part of the equation in my life. I wouldn't be here, or be the person I have become without the decisions my adoptive and my biological parents made and the roles they fulfilled in my life. One is not more important than the other. You can't take out of the equation the huge, intensely personal decision my biological mother/parents made at the beginning of my life, nor the lifetime of care and parenting my adoptive parents undertook. I understand that there are different adoption experiences, which make this more of a complicated subject for many, I can only speak for myself.